And I run down the aisle to you...

But love is not selfish...

2012-01-03T16:39:00.000-06:00

2011 was filled with highs and lows. I found out I will be in school a little longer than I was hoping. I got married. I said things out of emotion and reap the consequences of that. I accomplished things I was afraid to try.

We are only 3 days into 2012 but it has started out pretty good. Daniel and I made a few resolutions individually and as a couple. One of mine was I want to ignore my many fears and give myself more of an opportunity to succeed at things. A couple of the ones we vowed together include saving more, being less aware of we want individually and more aware of what our spouse needs.
We started reading this book together called The Love Dare. Every day it has a short passage about an aspect of love and then a dare for the day. For example the first day talked about LOVE BEING PATIENT. The dare was to say nothing negative about your spouse for the day. (Harder than it sounds) The second day was LOVE IS KIND. It divided kindness up into 4 parts: Gentleness, Helpfulness, Willingness, and Initiative. The dare for the day was to do something kind for your spouse without being provoked. Todays passage is LOVE IS NOT SELFISH. We are supposed to buy something for our spouse that they need.
Each passage is really small and the dares are not difficult or time consuming but they are meaningful. It feels so good to stop focusing on myself and take time out to specifically show love to the Mr. He deserves it.

It is so weird to think abut where I am now and where I was a year ago. I am being completely honest when I say I love being married. I love sharing life with Daniel. We are growing together and learning more about ourselves, as individuals and as a couple, than I could have ever imagined. I am also being honest when I say I didn't expect other aspects of my life to be how they are. Other than my relationship with Daniel my life feels a little chaotic and off. I am missing a lot of the friendships I had and I think it has left me a little empty. But I am confident the Lord has me here for a reason.

I look forward to coming back to this post in a year and hopefully seeing growth. My goal is that I find myself less afraid of failing, more in love with Jesus than ever, and making huge strides towards being the woman the Lord calls me to be.

But my mission...

2011-11-15T17:56:00.000-06:00

Something I have been thinking about a little lately is the question, "What am I bringing to others that shows them Jesus?"

Lecrae tweeted the other day, "When you compromise your Christian distinction, you compromise your mission." This hit home for me. It is easy for me to think this life is about being happy, living to the fullest, having fun, enjoying every moment. Those things are nice and great but that is not my mission here. We aren't called to "Go, be unique, and enjoy your life" (read in Jesus voice). We are called to "Go and make disciples". When I interact with people in my classes, or at work, or in a grocery store, if I am not giving them a glimmer of Jesus what am I doing here?!

But what stems from that is knowing that what allows us to give people a little piece of Jesus is all dependent on if we have a relationship with Him. Note: I did not say if we are saved, I said if we have a relationship with God. I heard a friend speak the other day and she said, "Discipline does not create a relationship, but the relationship will create discipline." I love that. It is not about me checking off a list of things that draws me to God but it is cultivating a relationship with Christ to a point where the things that I should be doing are natural.

Lord, may I be so wrapped up in our relationship that everything that comes out of me glorifies you.

And here is an update...

2011-10-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

Updates-

School: I've been at Anderson elementary for 4 weeks now and I think the jury is still out. They have the classes set up on a rotation system and so the classes rotate between 3 teachers throughout the day. I am there for full rotation and a half. I love being in the classroom and I love working with the students. 4th grade is the difficult part for me. They are still so hyper and a lot of times immature. I just can't help but wishing I was in a 7th grade classroom. I am grateful for the experience though. I am learning so much. As for my education classes... I am a little over group projects.

Church: During the summer Daniel and I struggled a lot with not feeling plugged in with the church. Luckily, things have changed, We joined the young&married small group and I joined an all women's sunday school. The sunday school class is really fun for me. I love that its me, bridget, and all of these women who are married to leaders and ministers in the church. I am trying to drain out every ounce of wisdom from them I can.

Marriage: I don't think I can say enough about how much I love being married. I could go on and on about how great Daniel has been. Yesterday Daniel had the day off and so we got to spend all day together cleaning and running errands. It was probably the best day I have had in a month or so. I am so blessed by him.

And here we go...

2011-09-09T16:40:00.000-05:00

I got my field placement for this semester. I was initially told I would be working in a 7th grade english class in Navasota. At which point I began to sing hallelujah. 7th grade english is what I want! And then I received another email saying they had to change me to 4th grade english. I know I don't know everything but this has to be one of those moments when I have to question what is it that God sees in me that makes him think I can do this? Children frighten me. I need them to be indepent. I need them to be able to come up with their own ideas. I know I know God equips the called but man right now I feel like he has a lot of equipping to do. I guess it is a waiting game now. All I can say is prayers are welcome and I guess I will update you soon.

And so it begins...

2011-08-29T22:00:00.000-05:00

This past weekend could not have been better to end my summer. I got to spend the weekend with my parents, Stuart, Mary Lou, and my sweet hubby. I am beginning to realize just how blessed I am. Love them so much.

AND I got to have lunch with Kailee and Maddie. I miss my friends! It was so nice to get to catch up with them. I am a lucky girl!

And let it go...

2011-08-22T17:54:00.002-05:00

I had the pleasure of going to a youth rally this weekend where Daniel was playing music and my Uncle Mark was speaking. Insert husband and uncle photo here:

Anyway, Uncle Mark opened up with a prayer challenging us to let go of whatever we were holding on to and let God take control of our lives. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this but for some reason I HEARD it this time. I instantly started thinking about how I have been holding on to what I expected my life to look like right now. I am going to be honest I am slightly embarrassed and more than slightly frustrated with how long it will take me to graduate college. It is an insecurity of mine. The devil is telling me I am stupid and I am hearing him loud and clear. But yesterday I heard God a little louder as He whispered words of affirmation to me. Yes, it is going to take me a year and a half more to get my diploma, but who am I to say this plan the Lord has set for my life is not perfect in every way. I don't have an awesome internship. I didn't graduate on time. I don't have it all together but I DO have a God who has a perfect story set up for me. And in comes the scripture and Truth to back it up... Proverbs 3:5&6 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight'. Amen

But it is time for some letters...

2011-08-09T17:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Daniel, I know I complain a lot about wishing we had more time together. It hasn't been easy for me. But I am so grateful you put aside your desires and do everything you can to provide for us. You are one of the most loving men I know. I treasure the time we do have together. Dear Jesus, I admit I haven't been spending the amount of time with you that you deserve. I also admit that I need you. Calm my fears and help me not waste my time worrying about things to come. Help me learn to feel loved in new ways and help me express my love more. Dear Caitlin, I am SO proud of you. You are putting your fears aside and jumping in to this new world. You are going to be such an incredible teacher (and coach). Can't wait to cheer you on next week! Dear Self, 1 John 4:18

And marriage is...

2011-08-04T16:29:00.000-05:00

I read something online today called The Art of Marriage:

"A good marriage must be created... In marriage, the little things are the big things... It is never being too old to hold hands...It is remembering to say 'I Love You' at the end of each day... It is never going to bed angry... It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways... It is having the capacity to forgive and forget... It is giving each other a safe place to grow... It is not only marrying the right person, It is being the right partner. "

As this marriage continues on, I see more and more of my selfishness and more and more of his selflessness. I am so thankful for Daniel and his willingness to be patient with me as I become the partner he deserves.

And you are making me new..

2011-08-01T17:02:00.001-05:00

Overall, I had a really good weekend. Friday, after work, Daniel and I went and ate with the Vitek's and Chris. It was just a relaxed time of celebrating Andy's job. Saturday I worked 8 to 5. As soon as I got off Daniel and I got dressed and went out to the Kornegay's where we helped surprise Christine Hoover for her 20th Anniversary vow renewing ceremony. Chris had planned it all out so she had no idea but it was a fun time of dancing and celebrating a beautiful marriage. I felt so honored and blessed being there and sharing in that special time with them. I hope Daniel and I are that happy in 20 years! Sunday we woke up and went to church and then I had lunch with Caitlin, Randi, and Ryan. I loved getting to catch up with them. Later that evening Daniel and I went to dinner with Alex and Andy before they left to go back to Houston.

I know all of that sounds boring and my point isn't to put you to sleep but to point out the fact that my weekend was filled with so much community.

It has been a little shocking for me (I think Daniel too) to see how fast our community dissolved after marriage. On one end we gained each other (thank the dear Lord) and so its constant community together, but on the other hand the people that we were closest to pretty much all moved off or are busy with their lives. It has been a big adjustment for me to go from being surrounded with sweet (girl) friends almost every evening of the week to seeing them once a month (if that).

Don't get me wrong I absolutely LOVE being married. Daniel is my very best friend and I love having him around. It is an adjustment though. Were looking for community together, but it is difficult during the summer time in this town. Who am I kidding? It is going to be difficult even while school will be in session. It is just something I am praying for because it is something I value so deeply. I guess I just felt like I needed to be honest.

And let the crafting begin...

2011-07-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

I found a lot of inspiration to craft from pinterest. (If you don't know what it is google it) And if you want to join facebook me your email and Ill send you an invite. Anyways, I decided it was time to get the craft supplies out again. So this is my newest craft (thats finished at least)...

It is a picture frame with a cork-board in it. Except on this particular one I covered it with burlap (because I really like it right now). Then I used the burlap to create little rolled roses and hot glued them to an 'M' which I covered with scrapbooking paper and hot glued that baby to the board. I like it. I am proud of it. Just thought I would share what I have been up to.

And it is not finished...

2011-06-24T16:45:00.000-05:00

I have known Daniel for four years now. We have been dating for 2.5 years and we've been married 3 weeks. You would think I know all there is to know about him but I still keep learning more. Things I've learned about Daniel recently:
-He can't simply put something in the trash can, he has to throw it.
-If he makes the shot it will be followed by a fist pump. (even if he thinks no one is looking)
-He would never admit it but I am positive he likes my girlie shows, especially The Bachelorette.
-He prefers to watch t.v. laying down. (The problem with this is he cant lay down for longer than 20 minutes without falling asleep)
I love learning more and more about him. I like knowing how he ticks. The more I know about him the more I like. 1billion points to me for snatching this guy up.

Isn't he the cutest?!

But it's life as we know it...

2011-06-14T17:56:00.000-05:00

Were back from our honeymoon in St. Lucia...see really pretty picture here:

Married life... Where do I begin?

Married life is different. It is less about personal space and more about 'oh hey this is a really small bathroom for both of us to be brushing our teeth at the same time but we are'. It is really different but I like it. It is like having a constant slumber party with your best friend. I like having someone to plan my meals with. I like cooking in our really tiny kitchen. I like having company without having to ask for it. Married life is different but it is good. I am excited about the things I am learning about Daniel. I am reading this book called 'For Women Only' by Shaunti Feldhahn. I have learned more about men than I ever imagined. Every women should read it at some point. (note: Daniel is reading 'For Men Only' and says it too is incredible) Read it people, you'll learn something I swear. I guess that is all for now I mean we have only been married a week and a half but I will keep you updated.

But this week...

2011-05-30T16:47:00.001-05:00

It is here. The moment I have been waiting for. I have been dreaming about and planning for this day for SO long. To think that I get to stand in front of everyone and marry the man of my dreams bring this warmth to my heart that I cannot explain. I am about to become a wife. I am about to enter this point in my life where my flaws of selfishness will be magnified and I could not be more excited or frightened. I am excited to become more disciplined as a godly woman. I am excited to encourage Daniel when he is tired of chasing his dreams. I am excited to wake up next to the love of my life every single morning. I am nervous that Daniel is about to get to know all sides of me, broken and dirty included. I am nervous that I will disappoint him. I am nervous that I wont live up to his expectations of a wife. But I am excited to fail and grow with him. I am excited to learn more about him every day. And I am excited to love him whole heartedly for the rest of my life. There is no time left. This is the week. My future is about to begin.

Dear Daniel, I cannot wait to run down the aisle to you and say 'I do' to the rest of our lives.

But I always will...

2011-05-09T18:35:00.002-05:00

New favorite band: The Civil Wars. They have this song called Poison & Wine (it should be playing right now). The lyrics:

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

It is about a relationship (obvious haha). Well, ok, in her interview she says its about when you are in a relationship there are times when things are tough. There are times when you are angry and you just want to run away. There are times when you of it as a game. There are times when you want to give up. But she says thats part of being in a relationship. She talks about how if the relationship is real you always get through those times.

It is called unconditional love. ASC had our semester retreat a few weekends ago and something I learned about myself is that I haven't grasped this concept of unconditional love. I mean I know I unconditionally love my family and unconditionally love Daniel but it's the unconditional love for me that I don't get. I can blame it on a lot of things probably most likely a HS relationship gone wrong but when it comes down to it I am left with these issues of abandonment and rejection. It has left me in this place where I feel like I have to perform to be loved. This includes my relationship with my family, Daniel, friends, and Jesus. The idea that there is nothing I can do to make Jesus (or daniel, or my friends, or my family) love me less is really foreign. But I pray over the next month (before i get married in 26 days whoop) I can see glimpses of this unconditional love Jesus gives. I am looking forward to getting to know Jesus as my lover.

And I wait...

2011-04-27T17:08:00.000-05:00

5 days until summer

5 days until I am done with ASC (after 8 semesters that sounds really weird)

13 days until I take bridal portraits

21 days until I turn 22

23 days until my bachelorette party

24 days until I move into our house

38 days until I marry the love of my life (whoop)

39 days until the honeymoon (yay for a vacation)

It is weird to think this chapter of my life is coming to an end. I will admit I definitely didn't see it ending the way it is. If I had the power to change some things I definitely would but sadly I don't. And so that leaves me trusting that God's plan is so much bigger and better than mine. That leaves me anxiously waiting for the rest of my life to begin.

And now we can breath a little...

2011-04-19T17:33:00.000-05:00

Best friend,
Neither of us would admit it but we have been holding our breath over the past few weeks. To be honest every time the phone rang my heart sank to my stomach. We finally received the call today to end our worrying. I never realized how much I want to have children of our very own until I realized how much it hurt to think that I might not be able to. I am so thankful for your support during this time. You held me. You let me cry. And you told me everything would be okay. You have stepped up and taken the lead in our relationship. I am so proud of you. 46 days until we get to be husband and wife. That is 6 and a half weeks until I promise you my future. I love that we have secrets. I love the fact that our text messages look like they are in code. I love how much of a servant you are. I love that you put up with my off tune improv songs. I don't love that you are typically late but I can live with it. I love that you love Jesus more than you love me. I don't know how you ignore all of my issues and mistakes but I am so thankful you do. You are the man of my dreams and I can't wait to spend forever with you. I love you.

Jesus,
I know that you are for me. I trust that you intend everything for good. Thank you for giving me Truth. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. Let everything I do be glorifying to you.

And mold me...

2011-04-12T18:30:00.000-05:00

I get to marry my best friend in 53 days!

We have pre-marriage counseling tonight so I was reading in the book were studying and there was one quote I enjoyed a lot. "What you are as a single person, you will be as a married person, only to a greater degree. Any negative character trait will be intensified in a marriage relationship, because you will feel free to let your guard down- that person has committed himself to you and you no longer have to worry about scaring him off." -Josh McDowell

Lord, continue to refine me. Help me grow more in the next 53 days than I ever have. I whole heartedly desire to be the woman of God that Daniel deserves. Continue teaching me because I have so much to learn. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you for a man that radiates your love. And thank you for loving me enough to give me life and breath each day.

And 2 posts in 1 day...

2011-03-29T18:45:00.000-05:00

I know I know 2 posts in 1 day. Crazy. But I just had to add something because he deserves it.

Daniel, 67 days until we become one. 67 days until I get to share my life with you. 67 days until I become your wife. I am so thankful for the person you are. Thank you for loving me when I fail. Thank you for celebrating when I succeed. Thank you for seeing growth in me. Thank you for seeing past my walls I have put up and seeing directly into my heart. You know me. You get me. You love me. That almost seems like a miracle to me. You are one of the most godly men I know. You never cease to amaze me. I really can't explain how much you mean to me. But I am excited to try to show you every day for the rest of my life. You deserve the world my dear. You have changed my life. -Jodi

And is that me?

2011-03-29T12:47:00.000-05:00

I met up with an old friend the other day and I made a comment about how I feel like I have changed a lot over the past year. She asked how... This leads me to todays post.

I HAVE changed over the past year. I think my biggest improvement is not pretending I have it all together. Last year I always put on this mask like I didn't have problems or wasn't struggling with anything. Instead of seeing my failures and mistakes as something to hide I accept them and try to improve. I know I am not perfect and I know I have things to work on but I am glad I am at a place where I can admit that. My goal is next year when I look back I see more improvement. I would love to not be so insecure about myself. Looking out how much I have changed in the past year I think it is possible.

I am excited the Lord is changing me. I am thankful he is molding me. And I am grateful he is making me in his image. Trials suck but at least they are making me into a better person.

And again with the humbling...

2011-03-28T09:49:00.000-05:00

I had a bridal shower yesterday. It was so much fun. We ate, played a game, opened presents, mingled. The presents and games were a blast but the most memorable part of it was at the end when we were praying and different people prayed out loud for Daniel and I. As tears came to my eyes, I realized how completely blessed I was in that moment. I am completely humbled by how many people are invested in this marriage. I am just so honored that people would take time out of their busy days to pray for us or ask how things are going or come to a shower. I just can't explain how honored and blessed I feel right now.

But I stand waiting with a confident hope...

2011-03-24T00:04:00.000-05:00

Let me start this off by saying, I am falling more and more in love with my sweet savior every day. A while ago, not knowing what I was getting myself into, I asked the Lord to mold me to be more like him and to make me into the God fearing wife I should be. Oh how powerful prayer is (can I get an amen)!

Jesus has turned my life upside down. He is putting me into places I do not want to be. He is forcing me to make decisions I do not want to make. He is showing me who I really am. And He is humbling me more than ever. But with these difficult times, comes this confident hope. Yes, He is forcing me to depend on Him. Yes, He is forcing me to give up the things I desire most. Yes, He is forcing me to see my imperfections. But whats beautiful is what comes from those things. He forces me to depend on Him to show me He loves me (unconditionally). He forces me to give up the things I desire most, to show me He is in control and will provide for me. He forces me to see the ugly side of me, so I can learn to be more like Him.

Dear Jodi (self), lean not on your own understanding (Prov 3:5) but trust that the Lord will give you the desires of your heart (Psalms 37:4). Allow the Lord to work through you because if you try to do it alone you will fail (Ecc 2:11). Rejoice in the victory because he partook in your suffering (1Peter 1:6-9) You are wanted, you are adored, and you are loved. (John 15:9)

And I want to be a cute housewife...

2011-03-19T15:17:00.000-05:00

I am trying to prepare to decorate my HOUSE and here are some things I would like to see in my home. I know I don't exactly have the $ (dolla bills) to pay for this yet but this is just something fun to look forward to. Okay...

Top left picture: I love the industrial feel of this kitchen but I love this HUGE antique clock even more.
Top middle: I like these precious little cubby shelves for nick-nacks and what nots. It would look really cute in a living room.
Top right: Again with the awesome industrial stuff. How cool is this tv stand/ locker combo?! Great for storage.
Bottom right: Bedside table out of old luggage bags. Creative and AWESOME.
Bottom middle: I love this warm cottage antique glassware case.
Bottom left: I just love this room in general. It is so warm and 'homey' feeling. Love the flowers everywhere gives it a nice spring feeling.

SO YEA HERES TO MY FUTURE HOME.

And it is spring break...

2011-03-16T20:50:00.001-05:00

It is spring break. YAY! Even though, no one is in town, and I haven't traveled the U.S. or done anything out of the ordinary, my spring break has been satisfying. So far I have...

started reading this book. It is incredible and I haven't wanted to put it down.

gone shopping and purchased these bad boys (measuring cups) along with some new clothes.

gotten a DEEP TISSUE massage. Though this picture makes you think relaxing, my massage was the opposite. My woman masseuse must have turned into a man when I put my head down because it felt like I had a linebacker rubbing my back. Good news is even though I left in pain I am very sure she got out all the knots. Bad news is I think I need another massage to get rid of the pain of the last one.

Other than that I have worked and gotten some R&R. It has been nice.

And it is promised...

2011-03-08T23:49:00.000-06:00

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands." 2 Corinthians 5:1

But He is jealous for me...

2011-03-06T17:41:00.003-06:00

So, my first wedding shower was pretty awesome. It was humbling seeing everyone who cared so much for our future. I can't explain what a blessing it was to have people come up to me and tell me they were praying for us and our future. Wow, I was thrown off guard to hear that. What an incredible blessing it was to hear that people care enough to pray for us! As for presents, we received so much including a microwave, convection oven, towels, 2 quesadilla makers, and a NINJA BLENDER. That is right ladies and gentlemen... a NINJA BLENDER! This is the blender of blenders. With 3 blades (one on the bottom, one in the middle, and one towards the top) it puts all other blenders to shame.

This leads me to how I am feeling... Well, I have almost felt sort of second rate lately. I will use Daniel as an example. There have been times when we have watched basketball and I will say something to him and he gives me a short "yea" comment. I know he would rather be watching the game than talking to me (duh, he is a boy). That is what I mean though. In that instance I was second rate because basketball came before whatever comment I was making. Well, I feel like this has happened a lot recently. In Daniels defense, he isn't the only one. But, (here is where I tie in Jesus) this morning, at church, we sang 'How He Loves'. It starts off saying, "He is jealous for me". This hit so deep. My Jesus is jealous for me. My Jesus wants my time. My Jesus thinks of me as first rate. My Jesus wants me. My Jesus considers me the NINJA BLENDER of all blenders. So this is me praising my Jesus for wanting me.

And it's my story...

2011-03-04T14:05:00.001-06:00

Lately my life has been disappointment after disappointment....
This weekend is my first wedding shower. This is huge. Its like reality hits. I am getting married soon. Needless to say I hope it doesn't follow the trend of my life currently. I'll update you afterwords. (Not that I think anyone actually cares about a stupid shower) But I will update anyway because this is how my story goes.

But it's romantic courage...

2011-03-03T00:38:00.000-06:00

I have been inspire by the vulnerability of the people around me. And I have more than anyone needed to be reminded that it is ok to be broken. It is in God that we are made complete! This is something that kind of just came to me... I don't really want to share it but like I said I am encouraged by the Truth that comes when we are most raw. So here is a little poem thingy I wrote called "Romantic Courage":

I don't want my life to be a contradiction,

But may the results of my love be a depiction.

Let it depict, let it convict, and Lord let it afflict the lost.

Though my faith is small, help me stand tall,

To conquer this world for your glory.

Can you give me the courage to be me?

Who am I but a broken child?

Who am I but a freedom fighter running wild?

Where do you want me? Where do you need me? Oh Lord, won't you show me?

You mold me and you change me.

Lord, I don't know who you want me to be.

Won't you give me the courage to be me?

This time of confusion will be followed by a time of peace.

This struggle can only produce a faith increase.

Help me shine. Help me grow, but most of all let it show.

Will you call me in and whisper so sweet?

Fill me with the reassurance of your story,

And give me the courage to be me.

And when I go...

2011-02-23T23:14:00.000-06:00

When I go home (to heaven that is) I want people to remember me as: kind-hearted, loving, constantly joyful, forgiving, always passionate, God-fearing, and beautiful (a beauty that seeps from the inside out).

♪ This world has nothing for me , I will follow You ♪

And it's true...

2011-02-15T17:47:00.002-06:00

The good things in life are worth working for.

And I need...

2011-02-13T15:00:00.003-06:00

I would like to start off this post by noting one important fact... I AM THE YOUNGEST CHILD (aka the baby). This means I am needy:
-I need people.
-I need affirmation.
-I need to be needed.
Oh gosh, I am seriously needy (sad thing is, it is even worse when I am sick). Two things are going on right now, one being tomorrow is Valentine's Day and the other being I am re-reading Redeeming Love. Both of these things are incredible reminders of how much I have until my younger child syndrome creeps in and leaves me "needing" (wanting) more. I "need" more affirmation. I "need" more attention. I "need" more excitement. Being the youngest child, when people aren't around I talk to myself. And these are the kind of things I have been telling myself. I need... I need... I need... Its almost like I think I deserve these things. I think my selfishness has completely muffled out the Lord. I haven't heard Him lately and quite frankly that made me angry because I NEED (there we go again) Him to be my friend. So where am I now? Attempting to go through the things I really need and the things I w...w...want. Whats the difference again? ;) When will I grow up? When will I realize what is truly important? When I will be less self focused and more Him-focused?

And the sun will come out...

2011-02-08T17:20:00.000-06:00

Dear time at work, my intentions were to fill you with homework and studying but none of that happened. It's ok to waste a little time right?! Dear Mr. Morrow, I love that our way of deciding where to eat out involves you texting me options and me either replying "booo" or "hmmm". Thanks for understand my nonverbal communication skills via text message. Dear Jesus, thank you for pursuing me day after day. And thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for your persistence in my life. And thank you for saving my soul. Dear friend, thank you for listening and thank you for offering/ going to do really boring things with me. It means more than you know. Dear soon-to-be-hubby-man, I love that you call cutting me off taking the lead in our relationship. I have full confidence in your ability to lead our relationship (unless it involves driving in college station). Dear Kails, thanks for hanging out with me this weekend and thanks for making me laugh so stinking much. Tell Patsie I said hey. Dear self, You are wanted. You are loved. You have worth. Remember it.

How can I be praying for you?

But God just hears a melody...

2011-02-04T01:19:00.001-06:00

But you make beautiful things...

2011-01-30T23:26:00.000-06:00

I am currently obsessed with this song, Beautiful Things by Gungor. Here are the lyrics:

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

I know that when you are saved you die to your sins and are "born again". I've been told this my entire life. First of all, I think I have done a crappy job of being renewed into the person the Lord desires me to be. I know that I am constantly growing and I pray that I never go back to the person I was 4 years ago. Shoot, I pray I never go back to the person I was a week ago. I hope I am constantly growing. I hope I am constantly changing. I hope I am on the track to becoming the woman of God I was designed to be. Second of all, it is difficult for me to look at the sin in my life and see myself as a beautiful creation God made. In the song it says, "You make beautiful things out of the dust". How does the Lord allow a garden to grow from the dust that I am? It's a question I have yet to figure out, but I am praying that the Lord changes me. I am praying that the Lord hears my desire to be selfless, gentle, loving, forgiving, joyful. I am praying that the Lord can make a garden grow from this dust.

But today is the day...

2011-01-18T17:30:00.000-06:00

I think one of my biggest struggles is looking towards the future. Note: when I say "looking towards" part of me means "worrying about". My life is going to drastically change in 4.5 months. I am going to be a wife, have a husband, live with a boy, sleep with a boy (whoop), begin my own family... the list can go on. I am getting married in a few months! How can I NOT look forward to that?! Im sure you are saying to yourself "well thats understandable", at least thats what I told myself at first.

Once I took a look at what the bible says I realized I am sadly failing at life. Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" and along those lines V33 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well". It is not easy for me to wake up saying instead of just watching time tick away and surviving this semester, I need to actually LIVE in the here and now! To be honest, my heart is ready for the future. I am ready to have a husband I can wake up to and begin our family. Unfortunately, my readiness for the future needs to take back seat to my duties of today. So that is what I am going to be working on! (words of wisdom are freely accepted)

And He wants me...

2011-01-14T14:09:00.000-06:00

"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings."

-Jesus [Hosea 6:6]

And heres to the new year...

2010-12-28T16:09:00.002-06:00

Wow, I can’t believe 2010 is already over! This post is a tribute to all that happened in the past year (not in any particular order)! I…

1. bought my first car.
2. traveled across the world.
3. learned a little about humility.
4. lost a few friends.
5. drove an hour for Bar-B-Q with my roommates.
6. received a couple speeding tickets.
7. got engaged to my very best friend.
8. discovered the difference between happiness and joy.
9. fell in love with new music.
10. laughed til I cried.
11. sang at the top of my lungs.
12. failed to meet expectations.
13. slept on a strangers couch in a different country.
14. gave advice (both good and bad).
15. made mistakes.
16. went to a lot of aggie sporting events.
17. drove a wave runner.
18. made a few friends.
19. killed people on a video game.
20. hiked down (and back up) a mountain.
21. learned a life lesson.
22. drove to Colorado and back (ok, mainly just rode).
23. turned 21 which leads to #24.
24. became an adult.
25. watched my brother get married.
26. enjoyed a couple concerts.
27. went antique shopping.
28. watched the sunset.
29. shoved hundreds of forks into the ground.
30. bought $80 worth of stamps.
31. played at the beach.
32. found the most awesome blogs.
33. worried.
34. slept in a onesie.
35. experienced my first NBA game.
35. was surprised.
36. had a picnic.
37. played a lot of games which leads to #38.
38. won a lot of games.
39. attempted to work out.
40. had a few fashion shows with my best frans.
41. worked my tail off.
42. wasn’t appreciated.
43. let my guard down.
44. became a mac user.
45. made up songs with my fiancé.
46. bought a wedding dress.
47. prayed for selflessness.
48. took a lot of pictures.
49. made an A on a 20 page project.
50. LIVED!

I am seriously looking forward to the new experiences, mistakes, decisions, and joys to come in 2011!

But it's Christmas time...

2010-12-17T17:22:00.000-06:00

I had THAT feeling yesterday. THE Christmas feeling. Christmas brings up so many thoughts, memories and feelings that it takes me a while to get into the spirit of it all. But it is here. I can smell it in the hair. I can feel it with the warmth of a mug. It is time. It has been a few years since my Memaw passed away. One thing you should know about her is that besides Elvis her favorite thing in the world was Christmas. She would bake 15 different types of Christmas cookies (no exaggeration), wrap her presents with cute ornaments on each bow, and insist that we sing carols all together every single year. Truthfully, when she was alive Christmas was never really MY holiday. I don't know if it's her influence or if I am just more aware of what were celebrating but it is becoming My holiday. This holiday is about love. This holiday is about giving. This holiday is about the price He paid for me. What better thing is there to celebrate?

But be happy...

2010-12-13T13:55:00.001-06:00

Its finals time and I can officially say I am done with this semester. But I realize some of you aren't so I thought maybe someone needs a pick me up. So here it is ladies and gents...

But I run the race for the least of these...

2010-12-12T13:22:00.000-06:00

This post is for the distracted:

Coming into college I knew what I wanted to learn and it had nothing to do with school. I prayed that through the four (or 5) years in college the Lord would teach me how to have faith and patience. I asked for those things in particular because thats what I think embodies a woman after God's heart and because the key to patience is faith and the key to faith is patience. Judging by all of the times He has forced me to rely on Him, I think His answer was obvious.

It (meaning college) has been a long road and I can't help but to think I wasted so much of that time. I guess I kind of look at it like I am in this marathon, the end being the woman of God I desire to be, and God is on the side lines rooting me on the entire way. So much of my time in college was me skipping through this race. I focused a lot on the ups and downs, the cute boys running beside me, and the attention from the crowd. I can't imagine how God even felt while I was performing for the audience. I imagine it was something like Him holding His head in His hands whispering, "Come on Jodi. It isn't about them. It's about me. It's about me. It's about me."

This past semester has been a little different. I've noticed God's face in the crowd. But I feel like I am just standing there looking at Him, then at the finish line, then Him, then the finish line, then Him. It is improvement, yes, but I still have a ways to go, like probably 26 miles. I mean this is what my blog is about... running down the aisle to the LOVE of my life, my creator, my best friend. It is so easy to lose sight of that. So I am saying this with all honesty and with hopes of accountability... it starts now. I am done performing for the never satisfied crowd, I am ready to run.

But it's just my reminder...

2010-11-28T17:40:00.000-06:00

This blog post is probably not important to any of you people reading it (assuming anyone actually reads this anymore). This is just a post to honestly pour into myself the things I need to be reminded of...

-For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

-Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

-The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

- ♪ I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness. ♪

-You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7

-You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

-Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Dear Self, You are loved. You are loved by the King of Kings. Even in times of complete solitude and loneliness your God is there. You are never alone. He has plans for you to prosper and everything He does works together for your good. Your purpose here has nothing to do with you but everything to do with Him. John 3:30 says it best... He must become greater and you must become less.

But I fall to my knees...

2010-11-20T13:54:00.002-06:00

‘May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.’ Numbers 6:24-26

Today, I'd like to take time to mention some of the blessings in my life.

Thursday morning my mom woke up and couldn't feel or mov the side of her face. She went to the hospital and they ran a lot of test. They think its something called Bell's Palsy. It has to do with the nerves and muscles in the side of your face being paralyzed or something. Nevertheless, she has been in the hospital ever since. My first instinct was obviously a scared time of questioning the Lord. I have seen this happen to a person before and recovery didn't begin to happen until a year later. But our job isn't to question the Lord. Our job is to fall to our knees in reverence and praise Him for He is the ultimate physician. Honestly, I wouldn't say this happening was a blessing, but blessings came from it. For example, a friend of mine, Caitlyn Holland, has been the most supportive person I know. I called her that night to tell her and her first reaction was can I ask people to pray for her. She has called and text me many times since just asking how things are going and how I am doing with this. I couldn't have asked for someone to care more. She is a blessing.

More blessings the Lord has given me is someone to talk to about engagement stuff. I messaged my sweet married friend Melanie asking her tons of questions about the engagement process and how to handle it. Thankfully, she was honest and spoke so much truth into me. I have been praying for someone who truly understands to come into my life and the Lord was so gracious to give me that. Also, I have been getting dinner with a friend every Sunday. Bridget is so biblically intelligent and has been pouring wisdom into me. It has been nice to have those deep biblical conversations each week.

Don't get me wrong the Lord has blessed me with many more things and people. It's just that these people stepped up at the right time, when I have been most vulnerable to the devil's lies, and for the truth they have spoken into me, I am grateful.

And here are a few thoughts...

2010-11-17T17:40:00.001-06:00

Let me preface this post by saying I am sick. I am at work but I can tell I am running a fever and I've got some sort of nose/ throat mess going on. With that being said, I apologize if this post is somewhat scatter brained or makes no sense. Here are just a few of my thoughts lately:

- At WIL group yesterday we sort of talked about how as christians we have lost our purpose. We go through our days with our busy schedule and we have goals like complete college, get good grades, be a good person. In all actuality our purpose here is to serve our God, bear fruit, and be a light to this broken world. Being a good person is a good thing that we should all strive for but that is not our purpose here. I just think it is so easy for us to lose sight of why we are here.

- Another thought is I am ready to be married. Yesterday night I really started to feel bad so Daniel came over and just scratched my back and read to me. It is really nice to have someone who I know will always care for me (and take care of me) when everyone is so busy. Daniel is such a servant (which makes me really excited to be able to serve him for the rest of my life).

- Also, it is totally not Christmas time yet. For all of you folks decorating and listening to christmas music you are forgetting a very important day. I know Christmas is exciting but you are jumping the gun. We still have to eat lots of food and watch a&m kick some UT butt. It's called Thanksgiving people.

But here are some blessings..

2010-11-11T11:16:00.000-06:00

Its Thursday. Thursdays are rough for me because they are constantly busy. So today (during class) I decided to remind myself of some blessings from the Lord (aka cute puppies). So here are some of my favorites...

But today I will rejoice...

2010-11-09T13:47:00.000-06:00

I've been re-reading through Job and it's been refreshing. It's been humbling thinking about all Job lost and reading his cry to the Lord. I am surrounded by a lot of people that I love but that hasn't silenced the insecurities of loneliness I have. There are just days when it seems like me against the world. But looking at Job and seeing how he lost all he had, makes my insecurities seem like a joke. His first instinct is to rip his shirt (aka grieve) fall to his knees and with tears in his eyes rejoice for the Lord is His Savior. My prayer is that in my times of suffering or loneliness my first instinct is to fall to my knees and praise my God for being my glorious savior. For my purpose in this world is to glorify my Lord, not to be glorified by this world.

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth." Job 19:25

But it's todays letters and today's needs...

2010-11-06T00:10:00.004-05:00

Dear world, you are broken and it cannot be hidden. Dear Lord, continue to show me how much I need you. Give me your heart for this world. Dear BFWBBE (Bes Fran Wif Big Beautiful Eyes), I love you. I hope you know there are days when I find you absolutely beautiful and flawless (even in leggings). Im sorry my project from you know where got in the way of our laughter this week. Make up for it? Dear Daniel, Thank you for telling me when I am taking things out of proportion. Thank you for rejoicing with me when I succeed. Thank you for holding my hand while I cry to you with a broken heart. Thank you for being a Godly man ready to lead me. Dear Lord, all I need is you. Focus my heart and mind on living a life not of this world. Allow me to sell my worldly self, take up my cross, and follow you.

But no one warned me...

2010-11-02T21:13:00.003-05:00

I always looked forward to being engaged. I mean I pretty much reminded Daniel that every day for like 4 months. It always seemed exciting and fun and I mean everyone loves a good wedding. Right?! I never thought much about how different people treat you once it happens. So many people want to know about it. They ask everything from "what flowers do you want" to "whats your colors" and of course "can I see the ring"... That is fun at first and don't get me wrong there are days when I love the attention but weddings are so much more than just colors and flowers and rings. No one has really asked the harder questions like "how do you feel about living with a boy" or "how do you feel about joining another family" or "are you nervous about trying to be the perfect wife". I feel like I have been engaged long enough to be over the exciting smaller details and now I am more into the oh my gosh Daniel and I need to learn how to communicate better stage. I know marriage is tough and I know Daniel and I will make it through but I am so scared about the times where I will fail him as a wife. I am so nervous about the first time I disappoint him, but no one really ever asks about those things. I didn't think about how me being engaged would affect my friends who are seriously dating someone or my friends who aren't dating anyone. I can't imagine how that makes them feel and they can't imagine how I feel. Don't get me wrong being engaged to Daniel is incredible and I enjoy the simpler conversations. I enjoy wedding decorating, I swear. That doesn't replace my need for deep conversations though. I do have fears and I do have worries. I know everything will never be perfect, that's kind of why I worry. Part of me can't wait to be his wife but part of me doesn't want to grow up. It's weird and it's something you won't understand until you are in this place, I guess. I don't know I guess my two biggest fears are that I will look back on this year and regret not taking advantage of the support of girls I have around me and that I will fail Daniel as a wife. Discovery of the week: being engaged is not all easy Barbie and Ken moments.

I know a lot of that was me just rambling on and I am sorry if you got nothing out of it. I think I just needed to admit these fears, issues and concerns out loud (aka on computer). Thx for listening.

But every morning sunrise says...

2010-10-31T14:06:00.003-05:00

Maybe I have shared these lyrics before, maybe not (I can't remember). I know I need to hear them again so maybe you do too.

Matthew 11:28-30 ²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

See you down there everyday
Trying to find a different way
To build some kind of latter to the sky
Trying to find some way to see
Secrets of eternity, and they don’t come all at once
And you don’t know why
Well how do you think it feels to hear you screaming out my name
While all the while I’m trying to open up your heart
See you when you cry yourself to sleep
It’s tearing me apart

I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you

I know that you’re waiting for,
A chance to come in from the war
If only a moment, if only a day
A place where you feel safe and warm
A sanctuary from the storm
Until all of these questions fade away
But I cannot count on all the signs
You’ve passed away as mere coincidence
And im running out of ways to break through
Like a lonely lover, Waiting by the ocean
Ill never give up on you

I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
Don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you

Madly in love with you by Sean McConnell

And you warm my heart...

2010-10-26T11:24:00.001-05:00

These are a few things that make me smile just thinking about them.

And I choose to live...

2010-10-25T14:38:00.001-05:00

This is the sneak peak Ryan sent us. We absolutely love it and can't wait to see the rest of our engagement pictures.

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

-Dawna Markova

And He set me apart...

2010-10-14T17:16:00.003-05:00

I know what I want for Christmas/ 1/2 birthday....

I WANT TO BE SPECIAL!

(Special - adjective: being a particular one)

But come home it's not too late...

2010-10-07T17:52:00.004-05:00

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

But he loves us...

2010-10-06T11:42:00.004-05:00

I had some beautiful time this morning just being reminded of how much my God loves me. I watched a link on the inspiration behind How He Loves by John Mark McMillan and I instantly felt God's love pour over me. In his video John talks about how the love he's singing about isn't a pretty clean love but it's a love thats willing to love things that are messy and difficult. It's a love thats not afraid of the gross disgusting things like myself. My last blog talked about my tar-filled heart and so this song just really speaks to me. Our God is willing to love someone as dirty and filthy, as messed up and broken as me. That is a love worth singing about.

I challenge you to remind yourself how much our God loves you today. Watch the sunset, write down all your blessings, do whatever you have to but allow the Lord to swoon you today.

If you want to know the story behind this song here is the link I watched.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NXWE6AC8ao&feature=related

But He longs for me...

2010-10-03T18:17:00.004-05:00

This weekend was ASC retreat and I really enjoyed it. The speaker spoke about how we are all sinners and what that looks like. She made a comment that so often we think of sin as adultery or lying or murder (which they are) but we forget about the inward stuff. Sin can also be an attitude of the heart, some examples include: jealousy, bitterness, anxiety, fear, depression, pride. This kind of hit hard for me. I can think of an instance I have fallen to every single one of these within the past week alone. I think if someone says that these aren't something they struggle with they aren't exactly being honest with themselves. Lets be real with ourselves, we are dirty and filthy and filled with sin. I heard it described once as if we were to think of all of our mistakes and sin and imagine what our hearts would look like. I know mine would probably look like it had been set on fire and then covered with tar. I am a pretty broken person. I have a lot of sin and mistakes that I don't want people to know about. The truth is the one person that matters knows it all. God knows every single sin I have made. He knows what my heart looks like.

The best part about this lesson comes when we realize that even though God knows what our hearts look like (tar filled and all) He still loves and wants us. He longs for us and desires to have a relationship with us.

This goes along with the title of this blog. I mentioned it before but it is a line from the song "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb. It says, "I am a whore I do confess, I put you on like a wedding dress and I run down the aisle to you." So many times we run from God and when we decide to go back He is always there waiting for us with open arms. Why is it that we give ourselves to so many other things than come back to our Savior? We put Him on like a wedding dress and become white as snow again. We treat the creator of the world like crap and yet He still loves us the same. We have the opportunity to have a beautiful love story. My challenge for you (and myself especially) is to pursue the Lord and find joy in your romantic comedy with the Lord.

But it's only for a moment...

2010-09-28T10:47:00.001-05:00

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

But were labeled...

2010-09-22T16:29:00.002-05:00

I haven't had a lot to say over the past month but I finally found something worth saying, so here it goes.

I am sick and tired of people labeling me. I thought labeling people ended when you graduate high school but now I am starting to think it will never end. Here are some examples of the labels that have been forced upon me: the engaged girl, the girl who makes C's, the girl who is on exec, the girl who answers phones, the "goody goody", etc. All these things are pretty accurate but when you label someone, you are defining them to one thing. If I have to be labeled something, I want to label myself. I don't want to be the fiance or the receptionist. I want to be the girl who is in love with her God. I want to be the girl who never stops showing God's mercy and love. I want to give grace as freely as it has been given to me. I don't just want to be labeled a Christian. I want to be the splitting image of my Father. So if you are going to define me in one way, define me as the girl who is in love with her maker.

And Thursday has been a little rough...

2010-09-16T16:21:00.002-05:00

Dear BINGO BINGO, Thursday has been kinda rough to me but you have the opportunity to make it better. Just sayin'. Dear Daniel, you showed me true love this morning when you fed me my sausage biscuit because I was too tired (lazy) to pick it up and put it to my mouth. Thank you for loving me through my exhaustion and emotional times. Dear professor, you hold us over by at least 10 minutes every class. Don't expect me to stay late if you show up 20 minutes late to class. You're a joke. Oh, also I think you were lying when you said your son knew what the word masticate meant going into kindergarten. Dear Lord, day after day my insecurities take over my thoughts and day after day I lose sight of your importance. Quiet these insecurities and allow me to be confident in our relationship. Remind me when I feel all alone that you are holding me. And give me your heart for the lost and broken.

And its 9/13/10...

2010-09-13T20:15:00.002-05:00

I try so hard to be very transparent in this blog. I try and explain my struggles and my triumphs, but right now I have nothing to say. I know what I am struggling with and I know that I would like to be honest with you (assuming someone is reading this) but I have nothing coming to words.

Dear Lord, give me a confident hope in you. Allow me to feel your presence and see you at work in my life. Quiet the devils whispers and hold me a while.

But I look forward...

2010-09-09T18:43:00.002-05:00

Wow, this week was busy and my weekend is only going to be more crazy. (This weekend will be filled with things I want to do rather than school, though, so it trumps this week by far.)

My roommates and I are reading "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. I am very excited about this. I read the first chapter and loved it. I am ready to talk to the girls about it and dig further in. I think there is a lot I can learn from this book.

Dear professor, you are mean. You are just flat out a big bully. You point people out in class and announce to the entire room how dumb they are and I do not like it. This is not making you look any better. And as for pointing out to the entire class how big the rock on my finger is, I was embarrassed and did not like the attention. If you could just teach and stop picking on people maybe you would finish on time and not make us go over by 10 minutes, resulting in me being late to work. Dear weekend, you are going to be so much fun. Engagement party, football game, WIL group leader retreat! Wooo I almost can't hold in my excitement. Dearest Daniel, I love you more than ever. Thanks for taking care of me. Dear Jesus, I am ready to be like David. I am ready to give you my battles so you can concur my Goliath's. I am ready to be centered on you. Dear Pride, you have got to go. Dear Ego, get yourself in check. Dear roomies, thanks for helping me with this party and the wedding and everything. Thanks for being interested. Thanks for caring. Thanks for being so awesome. I love you more than smore poptarts on a thursday night on boochy. (And I am sure you know how BIG that is)

But bring me peace...

2010-09-08T18:02:00.003-05:00

Dear Lord, My prayer right now is that I really find peace in John 16:33. There are a lot of things I am struggling with right now and I am finding it hard to simply be at peace. Calm my heart and my thoughts and give me a sense of serenity. Dear woman at work, I know you are excited about getting a new car but you are talking very loud. This room echos and your voice is about to give me an anxiety attack. So if you could just use your inside voice I would really appreciate. Dear fiance, I love you. Were down to like 269 days and were about to have our engagement party. This is unreal. I am so excited for the rest of our lives. Dear Big Brother, I cannot wait to watch you tonight. To say I love you would be an understatement. Dear rain, I really love you and our grass really needs you. What would make you really awesome is if you would stop coming down harder every time I leave a building. Dear roomies, I look forward to our Sunday night time bible study time. I cant wait to grow with you both. Love you ladies a lot. Dear new head band (seen in picture above), I really like you a lot. Thanks for giving my head a little bit of bedazzle tonight!

But its nothing special...

2010-09-06T22:41:00.005-05:00

Dear Sprinkles cupcakes, I want you real bad right now, especially you Mr. chocolate and marshmallow cupcake. Dear sweet savior, I need discernment. I would love to know where you want me in the future. If you want to give me a shout out on that, it'd be real cool. Dear tuesday, wednesday, and thursday, if you could fly on by and get to friday when I have no class and just get to sit around. That'd be THE bomb. Dear smore pop-tart, you are so tasty in my mouth. I think I will eat your little friend too. Dear chapter I need to read by tomorrow at 8, I would really appreciate it if you could read yourself and let me know whats up so I can watch the bachelor pad. K? Thx.

And nothing is impossible for you...

2010-09-05T23:46:00.011-05:00

Dear caring fiance, you have such a big heart. Thank you for reassuring me of my importance and the love you have for me. Dear self, try and not forget your song while you're in the desert. You have a faithful God, so trust Him. Dear Hosanna, give me the patience and peace to wait on you and when you're ready show me the plans you have for me.

♪ but you put food in my body

fill water in my dried bed

and to my blackened branches

You brought the springtime

Green of new life

And nothing is impossible for you ♪

And its another day...

2010-09-04T00:43:00.002-05:00

Dear gracious father, I am desperately searching for where you want me. I need your help because I cant figure it out on my own. Dear hypothetically Daniel's yard, If I were to hypothetically have forked you then my wrist would hypothetically be hurting right now because you are very hard dirt. You need some water. Dear tomorrow, I really don't want to work so if you could go by fast I would love you forever. Dear Texas A&M football team, every year I get excited for opening day. Please do not let me down. Dear Mr. Morrow, hypothetically if you were the target of a prank I am sorry. BUT I love you and cannot wait to spend forever with you. Dear sleep, I hear you calling my name and I am answering!

But there will be a light...

2010-09-02T18:19:00.004-05:00

Dear sweet Savior, my heart is hurting for the broken. The other day I was reminded that even though I live in this place called "the bible belt" some have never heard. Lord, show me the poor, the widow, the orphan, the broken, the lost and give me the courage to not be silent. Dear friend, I know you're hurting, for what it means I am praying for you daily. I am praying for your strength, courage and your beautiful heart. Dear biological father and mother, I know you are giving up a lot for me and my wedding. Your sacrifice means the world and is appreciated. Dear readers (if I have any), thank you for reading. It means a lot to me. Dear future hubby, you treat me like a princess. You treat me with respect. You treat me like I matter. Your love for me is very evident (to everyone). Thank you for loving me. Dear friday, thank you for not having any class. You are whats keeping me sane. Dear big 'ole rock on my finger, thank you for being so purrty and representing something so beautiful. Dear bad bad devil, I refuse to be complacent anymore. I refuse to let you win. I refuse to be silent. Bring. It. On.

And bring on the joys...

2010-09-01T17:18:00.003-05:00

Dear friend with the middle name "Christ in a stable", when I left for work you were sleeping on our bed couch, mouth slightly open and all, if I was a man I would want to wake up to that every day. Thanks for being my bess frin. Dear self, good job reading 150 pages today. Just for that we will ignore the fact that you will have consumed 5 Dr.Peppers by the end of tonight. Dear future hubby, right now you are probably at the church getting ready for youth group. I adore your heart for the "almost-not-baby-but-still-supported-by-parent-generation". Your heart is B-I-G and I like it! Dear friend H. Polleson :), your unhealthy love for cardigans was apparently contagious cause I caught that fever. Also, today when we were hanging our key hook with the chub chub birds on the wall you told me I am very handy. That compliment made my day. thanky. thanky. Dear fiance, you still owe me 11 presents from our bet. I am thinking a puppy would do (see picture above).

And it's a letter of love...

2010-08-31T14:10:00.004-05:00

Hallie Miller, my lovely roommate, maid of stinkin' honor and soul(friend)mate, showed me the most precious blog. Read a few ---> http://www.todaysletters.com/

The amount of love this couple shows is beautiful and inspiring. If everyone loved like these 2 do the world would be a little more like our wonderful creator made it to be. So this post (and probably many more) is greatly inspired by and in honor of The Loerke's, 2 people I do not know, but reminded me what love should look like.

Dear Precious Roomies, I couldn't have better roommates. If it weren't for my loving fiance and his desire to spend the rest of his life with me, I would sit around on our living room bed forever watching trashy shows with you until the day we die. Dear Calendar, you give me anxiety every time I look at you, but I love that you are color coded. Dear fiance, comparative politics is already my favorite class this semester, not because its awesome because I promise it's not, but because I get to see you in my peripheral vision for an hour every other day. Dear Jesus, you love me and redeemed me and saved me and I have NO idea why, but thanks times a billion!

And this is my heart cry...

2010-08-29T18:02:00.001-05:00

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

But I will rejoice...

2010-08-12T18:11:00.004-05:00

I am learning a lot right now. Some of the knowledge I am acquiring is deep and meaningful, some not so much. I would love to take time to go deeper into everything but there isn't enough time. There is never enough time though, right? Anyway here is just a little insight to the things I am learning. Maybe, just maybe, you can learn something.

-God's timing is perfect. That means his timing is better than mine (and yours). I think that is evident in the relationship I am in. You see, I have wanted to get married for a long time now. I am talking about 9 years of imagining my wedding type of thing. My time in high school and college was spent searching for "Mr.Right". Finally, sophomore year of college God and I had a heart to heart and I just gave it to the Lord. A month later I was going on a date with my future husband. My point is God's timing is perfect.

-Wedding's are expensive, stressful and exciting.

-The best thing about being engaged is being able to pray with Daniel. I strongly believe prayer is something intimate and Daniel and I wanted to wait until we were engaged/ married to pray together. I mean we would pray before a meal when we were dating but it is nothing like sitting there praying over our relationship together. It is easily the best part of our relationship.

-Everything isn't about me. I have an issue where I am often times self-centered. I think my prayer for myself over this year is that I become more God centered. If I cared less about myself, maybe the Lord could use me more. I mean my desire is to be a vessel for the Lord and I think a lot of the time I stand in the way of that.

-I have some of the best friends ever! To see how excited they got for me, when we got engaged, was a blessing. It was reassuring of how much they cared for me and our friendships. What a blessing it is to have them (y'all) in my life.

-It is time I begin to sing my song in this desert place. Last Sunday our preacher spoke over Exodus 15. It's a song Moses and the Israelites sang in the desert place. Dr. Higgs talked about the importance of singing in the desert and rejoicing in our sorrows. I think it really hit home to me because when I am "in the desert place" I like to roll around in my self pity. So many times I forget to rejoice. I kind of feel bad that God has to listen to me whine and complain. He deserves so much praise, even when I am low, even when I am without water.

The Desert Song by Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

And you are the love of my life...

2010-08-07T11:07:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, was Daniel's dad's birthday so we made plans for Daniel to pick me up from work and we would go eat with his family. So, come 7 o'clock I got in his car and he told me there had been a change of plans and I needed to shut my eyes. I laughed and told him no and he said, "Jodi I can blindfold you or you can shut your eyes". I finally agreed to just keep my eyes closed and he began to drive. After about ten minutes the car came to a stop, he told me open my eyes. There we were in the parking spot at my old apartment building where we spent numerous hours talking, getting to know each other better, and trying to figure out if we should date or not. He looked at me and told me that parking spot was where our relationship became official and real. He talked about how that was the place he really started to fall for me. You see, Daniel and I really struggled with timing and whether or not we should date when we were first talking. I know we were both in prayer constantly over whether the timing was right or not because we were going to be intwo different places for that summer and our lives were already so crazy. In that parking spot we decided to follow our hearts and trust that the Lord knew what he was doing with the timing. Anyways, then he put a rubberband on my ring finger and asked me to close my eyes again. After about 5 minutes he had me open my eyes and we were at Chili's. He talked about how this was the place we would always go on little lunch dates and that was where our friendship grew.He talked a little more about our friendship and then took off the rubberband and put on a metal ring like a small keychain thing. He made me close my eyes again until we arrived at a friends old house (well down the street from it but close enough). He talked about how that was the house we had our very first date (which if you do not know our story I had no idea I was on a date but I guess it all worked out). It was a halloween costume party (date party don't forget). We showed up that night and there were tons of couples there all dressed like each other, which I was not prepared for. Daniel talked about how this waswhere he saw how I can gracefully handle awkward situations (hahaha). He said this is where thesparks flew and this all began. Then, he replaced the metal ring with my Memaw's old wedding ring (except the diamond was missing). That was so special to me because myMemaw meant the world to me and she left me her wedding ring when she passed away. So I closed my eyes and shortly the car came to a stop and he got out. He came around got me out of the car walked me a few steps and told me open my eyes. I opened my eyes to see us standing in the parking lot where we first met for impact (incoming freshman christian camp at A&M). He didn't waste too much time there after he talked about how we met and claims he schooled me in four square (which we know isn't true). Then he just got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife (it was obvious he was slightly nervous). And I said YES! So he replaced my Memaw's wedding ring with a very beautiful engagement ring. It's a round cut solitaire (the diamond being the one from my Memaw's ring). Everything was so perfect for me, the proposal the ring, HIM!

I woke up this morning in disbelief. The beautiful ring on my finger quickly reassured me it wasn't a dream. I am engaged to the love of my life. I know we're young but honestly this is the most God centered relationship I have ever been in. He is nothing I was looking for, because he is more than I could imagine.

(Also I would like to shout out to the beautiful ladies who helped Daniel. Even though you are all secret keepers, I love you for it!)

But they will never know, that I will never forget...

2010-08-06T16:14:00.005-05:00

I have always lived by the assumption that if I do not leave my mark on people, if I do not change lives, I have failed at truly living. I don't know how many lives I have touched or how many people could honestly say their lives would be worse off had I not been born. I don't think that is something I will ever know but I have come to peace with that. I may never see the harvest of the seeds I plant today but the God I serve is faithful.

I have images of the children from the communities, in Zambia, stuck in my head. Faces that I can't seem to forget, of children I may never see again, are running through my head. These children have planted seeds of hope in my heart. They have planted seeds that will change my character into a better woman God. Thats something they will never know. So, I have hope. Hope, that I am planting seeds, despite not seeing the harvest.

But I know now...

2010-07-30T10:52:00.002-05:00

It's friday evening and camp is officially over. This morning was the "JOY party", where the kids get their blessing boxes and dance around and just have fun for a while. It was incredible to watch these kids, who were emotionless and dead at the beginning of the week, turn into these joyful children, dancing and singing to their Lord. My girls loved the blessing boxes and were so grateful for everything they were given. I worried at the beginning of this trip that the Lord brought me out here to tell me this wasn't where he wanted me anymore, but I think this was a sweet way to show me this part of my life is coming to an end. Don't get me wrong I love Zambia and I think Camp Life is incredible. I know the Lord had me here the past 3 summers for a reason (that reason being for my benefit and the children I had in my groups). I learned a lot about myself and about how much the Lord truly loves me, this year. I find it interesting that He had to bring me half way across the world to teach me how to depend on Him and show me how much He truly cares for me.

I know now that my journey doesn't end when I board the plane to America. He has big things in store for me and I am excited about being a vessel for Him in the states. I know now that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

And today I am still tired...

2010-07-27T10:16:00.003-05:00

So, I woke up feeling about the same this morning but I went to camp anyway. I am thinking now it was a bad idea because it was very cold and windy today, so I am only feeling more exhausted. I met 13 of the 15 girls I have this week and they are precious. They range from 8 (which I really think is more around the age of 6) to 16. I got 9 blessing times done. A blessing time is just a one-on-one time where I learn about the child's situation. So my smallest girl Freida (who claims to be 8) was very difficult to get to open up. I asked her question after question and she would take her sweet time thinking before she spoke. So I wasn't surprised when she took her time to answer, when I asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" After a long pause she replied, "white". HAHAH Yes she understood the question, apparently, that is what she wants to be. Like always prayers are needed and appreciated. Nakuyewa Nikukondani Maningi (I miss you and love you all a lot).

But today I am tired...

2010-07-26T10:35:00.003-05:00

I woke up today feeling awful. My immune system is like non-existent. I have a lot of sinus drainage stuff going on, so not only is it making my nausea worse but now my glands are swollen. I laid in bed all day. Kailee said she saw my girls I have this week and some of them are from last year. She said they added some young girls to my group too so I am hoping I will feel good enough to go tomorrow. I hate being sick in a different country. There isn't anyone to really take care of me so its difficult. I am ready to feel better. Prayers are needed and welcomed.

And the new week begins...

2010-07-25T14:08:00.002-05:00

Well today was church day and then market day. Church and the market were both successful. Later today we received our zambian partners for the week. Well, some of the Americans only get one of their partners because the other one isn't coming until Monday. I was one of those Americans this week, so my main zambian partner wasn't there. My backup partner and I met together when I would've normally met with my main partner. His name is Shadreck and he speaks very little English. It was miserable to be honest. It is really difficult to get to know someone when they speak a different language. I feel like the devil is just doing everything he can to put me down this trip. Tonight at dinner (during the testimony time) a guy stood up and said that his motto for the week and suggestion for everyone is to "focus on what it means to be faithful today". I guess that is my only hope and the only thing keeping me going at this moment. I am not ready for the week right now. I am exhausted and tired and ready for working toilets, showers, and American food. Nakuyewani maningi (I miss you all very much).

But were called out of our comfort zones...

2010-07-24T13:17:00.002-05:00

So I thought today was going to be a relaxing Saturday but instead a few of the younger people decided to go to the 20 and under national Zambian soccer game. There were about 15 of us muzungus (white people) with a huge zambian flag we carried. Lets just say more people watched us than the game. We stood in the section with the drunks who were smoking something questionable and blowing their vuvuzelas and playing bongos really loud. It was so far out of my comfort zone I cannot even explain the anxiety I was having. I am glad I did it because it's a crazy experience to have but it definitely wasn't the relaxing day I expected.

And with JOY there will be healing...

2010-07-23T13:31:00.004-05:00

Today was the last day of camp for week 7. The theme this year is JOY. Earlier in the week we talked to the kids about J- for Jesus, O- for others, and today was Y- for you. So today was the day we gave them bags that had their blessing boxes in them along with a bag of sugar, mealy meal and cooking oil. The blessing boxes had a beanie baby, a sheet of stickers, a bar of soap, a tube of lotion, an eraser, a pencil sharpener, 5 pencils, 2 pens, a ruler, a bracelet, and a gummy snack. I know to Americans these all seem like such simple things but the JOY that these goods brought was unrealistic. Each of my boys looked over all of their stuff for like an hour, they were so amazed. When it was time to leave they took the bandanas they received the day before and covered up the stuff in the bag. I asked my partner if that was because they thought someone would take it in the community and they said yes. The thought of having to hide my pencils, so no one will take them, is so unimaginable. When they went to load the buses one of the boys, Steven (14 years old) began to cry because he was so sad he would not get to spend more time with me. These boys are just so incredible and have taken a special place in my heart. Thank you if you had any part in helping me get here through financing me or prayers. You are very much appreciated. Continue to pray for my boys as they return to their community, that they will remember Jesus, Others, You. Also, I ask that you continue to pray for me. I am having issues with sickness and such and so I ask that you keep me in mind. Zikomo (Thank you). Nikukondani (I love you all).

And its shoe day...

2010-07-22T13:23:00.000-05:00

Camp day 4 is always crazy, because its shoe day. Shoe day is crazy because we give every camper a new pair of shoes and then go into the community of the kids in our group and watch them witness to the people in their community. Well I was told at the beginning of today that I would get to see Moses (my sponsor child) at the community resource center (that of course made me so excited). So getting all the kids shoes was super difficult because they ran out of sizes 6 to 10 before my group of boys got in there. Half of my boys had fitting shoes at the end and the other half had shoes that were at least 2 sizes too big or girl shoes. One of my kids wears a size 7 and had to get size 11 shoes. So needless to say it was slightly stressful. Once shoes were done we loaded the buses for the different communities. On our way to Chawama (the community my boys were from) they told us we weren’t going to stop at the CRC (community resource center) because it was too far and we didn’t have enough time. My heart instantly dropped because I knew I was going to get to see Moses but I tried to not let it show. So we went through Chawama spreading the Gospel and Gods Joy. The Americans and Zambian staff returned back to the bus and said good by to our kids. We got back on the bus and they told us we had to stop by the CRC to drop off the kids. Once we got there I saw Moses walk out the door and so I yelled his name and he came running towards me with open arms. Note: Moses is a 16 year old boy so watching him run towards me was so heart warming. So we started talking and I asked if he had fun at camp week 4 when he came and he said yes but I cried everyday because I didn’t have you Auntie Jodi. OH MY GOSH my heart nearly hit my stomach. I was like ME TOO Moses, me too! So I got to spend about 15 minutes with him, which was glorious. I told him I would write him more letters and he was like good I like them very much. It was a sad good bye but I am very grateful for the time I got. Pray for me as I go into the last day of this week’s camp. The last day is always the craziest and I really need energy. Nikukondani maningi (I love you very much).

And its camp day 2...

2010-07-20T13:56:00.003-05:00

So day 2 of camp I felt a little better. I had a pretty good day. Moses, my sponsor child still wasn’t at camp so I asked Holly about it and she said he came week 4 because he was in the database more than once. That’s so disheartening to hear because he is MY boy, but she said she will try to get him at camp this week at least one day. I guess that is all I can ask for. I am just trying to enjoy the boys I do have. Today in the big season (which is where all of the groups come together and hear a message) I saw another woman breast-feeding her child. I am talking about in the middle of big group with everyone in the room. Needless to say I was still awked out by it. So anyway today was better continue praying for my fellow American counselors, my boys, and me. Tonight, I started feeling bad again. They auctioned off a 6-pack of dr.pepper tonight. A man bought them for $120. He gave me one. I am forever grateful. Buuuut now I have a tummy ache. Zikomo (thank you). Nikukondoni (I love you all)!

And your prayers are needed...

2010-07-19T13:06:00.000-05:00

Well, it was the first day of camp today. I woke up at 7a.m. not feeling good but I didn’t want to complain and so I toughed it out, ate breakfast, got dressed, and left for camp. Monday mornings at camp kind of suck because it takes around half of the day to get your kids. Once, I got to camp I started feeling worse and worse. So before I even got my kids I left to go back to the villa because I just couldn’t take my nausea. So I slept for like 3 hours back at the villas and then went back to camp and noticed I had my boys this week. BUT only 4 of my boys from last year were here and I got 11 new ones. Moses (my precious boy I sponsor) is not at camp and I am pretty torn up about it. So today was really hard and I am frustrated. It’s difficult because to be honest Moses was the only reason I came back. I know that sounds terrible and I know God does everything for a reason but it is difficult to be in this circumstance. Continue sending your prayers my way. Nikukondoni (I love you all).

And the journey begins...

2010-07-18T13:57:00.000-05:00

Today Kailee read one of her letters someone wrote her and it talked about how psalms 118 is the middle of the bible and how psalms 117 is the shortest book and psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the bible. I know the Lord has a reason for everything so I made Kails read 118 to me. It talked about God’s steadfast love and how it endures forever. No wonder he made it the center of the bible. If we center our lives on the fact that God’s love for us is supreme and endless, our lives will be changed forever. Psalm 118:14 says “The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory”. That is my prayer right now. It is so easy for me to be on this emotional roller coaster while I am here (in Zambia if you didn’t already know). It’s tough. I enjoy walking out of my house and knowing how and where I am going but here I have to go by someone else’s schedule and ride a big blue bus to get everywhere. We get our kids tomorrow at camp so I know it will all be worth it then but right now I am jetlagged and exhausted. So this is my prayer, Lord, you are my strength and my song. I know I am victorious in you alone. Tonight we got our Zambian partners (translators). Its kind of a big deal everyone comes together and they call your name and your partners name you stand up meet each other and talk for like 30 minutes then go back inside to do some camp songs and dances. Well my partner is very talkative. Her name is Monde (pronounced moan-day, yes sounds a lot like Monday). She is really funny; she informed me that she only dates white men (I held back my laughter at that point). Anyway when we finished talking and praying together we went back in the big room to sing and dance. I look back to see all of the other Americans with their partner and see Mrs. Utz (my stand in mother for the trip) with her partner. Her partner was a middle-aged woman who was breast-feeding her child right in front of everyone. Yep, apparently it’s normal here (of course I was unable to hold my laughter in at that point).Tomorrow we get our kids and I am ready. Be praying for me and Monde and our kids. I know the Lord has set aside a special, unique group of kids for us and I want to make sure I am allowing the Lord to speak through me so these kids can get the most out of camp.

Thanks for your prayers and emails. Love you all.

But its called faith...

2010-07-16T06:04:00.003-05:00

Sitting through our 10 hour lay-over I can officially say we made it to London safely. I hate airports and airplanes tend to give me a little anxiety (not because I think were going to crash or get hijacked but more because of the small space, terrible food and lack of sleep I tend to get). This time was no exception, I got no more than an hour of sleep. So I have been awake for like 21 hours now and I am feeling the exhaustion. I am sitting at Maddie's friends flat in London absolutely dreading getting on another flight. Needless to say I would love your prayers (we would love your prayers). We need sleep and energy and sanity and your prayers would be greatly appreciated. This being my 3rd year, you would think I would be used to this. I mean traveling to Zambia is not something new to me. Depending on Christ shouldn't be something new to me. I wish it was natural but I guess thats not exactly faith is it? Anyway this is me rambling because I cant focus my thoughts. So here's me saying I am safe in London attempting to depend on my loving Father.

But I want more...

2010-07-10T15:25:00.005-05:00

My loving boyfriend and I were having a conversation the other day that has been lingering in my head and my heart for a few days now. We were talking about friendship and I said something about not having any friends, an exaggeration yes. Please understand I know I have friends but I am a dramatic girl who has felt quite lonely this summer. Anyway, I said something about not having any friends and his reply was "its not that you don't have any friends its just your definition of a friend is different than most everyone else". I didn't have to ask him to explain because he quickly began saying that most people call acquaintances friends but when I call someone a friend, I mean something way different. He said I mean someone who will drop whatever they're doing to hang out with me and someone who accepts me for me and someone who legitimately cares about me. The subject of our conversation changed but this stuck with me for some reason and over the past few days I have just sat with it. My initial thought was, well Daniel knows me very well. My second thought was, does that make me a selfish person? Am I selfish because I want a friend who wants to be my friend and who wants to hang out with me? I will admit I have a lot of flaws but I cannot convince myself this is one of them. So my next thought went straight to my insecurities. I have had a lot of people tell me I seem very confident and that kind of surprises me. I am a very insecure person, apparently I hide it well, but I do have my insecurities and my friendships are towards the top of that list. I hate that, but it's the truth. I know its dumb, but I worry if the friendships I am making will last. I worry that if I died today I could count the people on my hands that would cry and those would be family members and Daniel. I know friends who if they called me and said I need you now I wouldn't question where they were or how long it took me to get there or what I was doing I would go and I question how many people would do that for me. That sounds depressing, I know, but this is supposed to be a place where I share my dirt and my filth and in this case my insecurities. Deep down were all insecure about something, judge if you want, but this is mine.

And your beloved needs you now...

2010-07-05T17:30:00.004-05:00

I have felt kind of lonely in College Station lately. Its just not the same without your best friends, you know? I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy the friends that are here but its something about walking into your living room and talking to your roommates about your day and them knowing everything you have been going through. Instead, I walk into a lonely house that still needs a lot of unpacking. Anyways, I am reading this book called "Jesus Wants to Save Christians". I came to a part in the book that asks the question "What are the moments that have shaped you the most". Then it goes on to say its periods of transformation, when your eyes are opened, when you're forced to cry out to the Lord because you're at the end of your rope, that you typically grow the most. Gosh, its so true. I mean lets take a look at my life. The first thing that pops up is changing churches right before 9th grade year, I learned a lot about the politics of the church and what a church family should look like. Then, I think about not making officer for my dance line the first time I tried out. Had I made it the first ear I guarantee my ego and pride would've made me a horrible leader but instead the humility prepared me for the next year when I did make it. Then, I think about all of the relationships in my life that never worked out. Though, it was not fun going through break ups or losing friends, I learned something about myself from all of them. The book states "For many people, it was their cry, their depression, their acknowledgment of their oppression, that was the beginning of their liberation. When we're on top, when the system works for us, when we are capable of managing our lives, what is there for God to do?" I have somehow convinced myself it is possible for me to be in control of my life. What a joke right? And though, I am not thanking Him now, I know I will thank our God soon, because what he has in store for me is far greater than my imagination. Right now is tough, right now I am struggling, right now I just wish one of my girls were in College Station and knew what was going on in my life, but I know my God is drawing me nearer and I trust that this is a growing time for me. So, I cry out to my Creator.

And all to Him I owe...

2010-06-28T18:13:00.005-05:00

The sermon at church yesterday was about one word in Romans 1:1. "doulos", meaning slave. Paul opens Romans up with saying "This letter is written by Paul, a slave of Jesus Christ...". Our pastor began talking about how if we all took on the nature of a slave the world could potentially be changed. Then he went on to discuss the characteristics of a slave. He names 3 things a servant of Christ knows how to do: 1. give, 2. live, 3. forgive.

Giving is about putting aside our selfish nature. Its about ignoring ourselves and focussing on the Lord. Then Dr. Higgs said, its time we stop saying I will do things for MY way to look out for MY best interests. Instead, we should be saying I will do things HIS way to look out for HIS best interests. This really hit hard. How many times a day do I say the words I, me, my, myself, etc? I am so self focused that I am ignoring my task at hand, which is to further the Kingdom of God.

Then Dr. Higgs made a comment about slaves essentially gauging their ears, to show everyone that they were someones slave for life and could not be traded or bought. So that led me to the thought, how do people know I am the Lord's servant? Or do people even know that at all? The Lord so graciously bought me a very long time ago. He paid the price for my sins and now I am eternally His. Yet, I am sure there are people out there who have no idea because I forget to wear it daily.

He ended his sermon saying, "I am a slave of Christ. What are you a slave to?" That is one of those times where you get a good gut check. Its tough to see where we fall short, but its time I begin to let the world know. I am taken. I have been paid for. I am eternally His servant.

And we walk by faith...

2010-06-27T19:54:00.006-05:00

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

-Reinhold Niebuhr

And we pray...

2010-06-21T18:49:00.002-05:00

This post I just want to list some prayer request...

1. All of the missionaries traveling to foreign lands right now.

2. I ask that you pray for my heart as I began to prepare for Zambia this year.

3. My patience as I move for the 3rd time this summer.

4. That I find peace just being with the Lord.

5. My 3 best friends... Hallie- as she works at a camp called Sky Ranch, that she pours into the little girls she gets to work with. Kailee- as she begins working with a non-profit. Her salary comes from monthly donations or a one time donation. Her faith is so big and I know God will be faithful to her. And last but definitely not least Heather- she's working with a rescue mission in Colorado. Pray that she finds her place there.

6. Last be praying for the lost souls of this world.

And I am without an umbrella..

2010-06-16T17:26:00.002-05:00

I have felt down for a while now. During the school things were easier because I could distract myself with my friends and ASC and work and everything fun in my life. Then, summer came and I found myself standing in the rain (not literally). I have talked about it before, how I am really bad about depending on God and giving everything to him. I am a woman of little faith. This obviously isn't something I want to be but I just find that there are times where I am on fire for christ and times where I am just cold. I admit it, since this summer has begun I have been cold. I have been so frustrated because I feel like I am fighting so many battles and they never stop. I feel like I am standing out in the rain soak and wet sobbing. My pride and my natural habit to focus on worldly things has put me on mute. I don't cry out to my God during this storm because I have lost sight of the faithfulness of my Father. I don't know if anyone really reads this blog because I know I ramble a lot, but if you do I ask for your prayers. I so desperately want and need to be captivated again. I want to be back at the place where my life is solely dependent on my gracious, loving Father.

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

Stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

[Stand in the Rain by Superchick]

Lord, allow me to feel your warmth and see you at work in my life. Get me back to the place where I am a vessel, not distracted by worldly things, ready to be filled up by you and poured out on your people. While I wait for you to return, I want to be devoted to furthering your kingdom. Allow my heart not to be consumed by this world but broken for it. Give me your passion, as you have so graciously given me life. -Your daughter of little faith, who is searching for you.

but its a different language..

2010-06-10T17:28:00.003-05:00

I had the bright idea to take two 6week long summer classes that last for the duration of June. Mini-mesters, such as these, are difficult because it is only 6 weeks but for some reason I ignored that fact and decided to take both biology and business math II. Now biology has not been so bad when I actually read but math is a different language to me. It makes me want to beat my head up against a wall. I haven't really had this problem before (referring to not understanding). Even when I go to Zambia (where they do speak a different language) I don't struggle that much. When thinking about it today it kind of rolled over to the different love languages. I took this love language test and it asks 30 questions and tells you how you scored in each. My scores: 7- words of affirmation, 7- physical touch, 6- quality time, 5- receiving gifts, 5- acts of service. Thinking through friendships and relationships I really do agree. In my friendships, nothing makes me feel more loved than hearing that I am appreciated as a friend. Looking at my relationship with Daniel I think I take his acts of service for granted but what really stands out to me his me walking in and him telling me I look gorgeous or him kissing my cheek when he sees me after a long day at work. I realize that everyone doesn't have the same love language but I think the important thing is that we love. Our world is desperately lacking it and I think no matter what language we use, the important thing is that our world finds love and finds it soon.

And it starts with me...

2010-06-03T12:22:00.005-05:00

While procrastinating my biology assignments, I read a quote online that said, "The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love." This made me think (of course) and I completely agree with this. Love is talked about over and over again in the bible, and is described in many ways. I think we, as a nation, and as a church, have fallen short of what God has called us to make of love. I talk a lot about how our society has affected us and this is going to be another instance. Were shown in movies and music this love that is passionate and unbreakable but then when we don't find it in society that is all we can think of. Until recently, I always blamed society for giving us a false image of love and making me (as a girl) have an unrealistic thought of what falling in love looks like. But I started thinking about it and why is that passion and love unrealistic? I think it has a lot to do with us being scared. We feel like someone has to love us, whether it is our moms, our dogs, or even ourselves. So we hold out. We keep a lot of the love we have to ourselves because were scared no one else will love us. We are a selfish nation and we have been taught not to give more than we are given. That isn't how love should be. We should give our all. Love should never be conditional. I just think we have distorted this beautiful thing God has given us called love. I think we, NO... I know for a fact that it is time for a revolution. It starts with me right?!

And I should warn you of my honesty...

2010-05-26T16:35:00.005-05:00

Warning: these are MY true feelings, if you don't want to hear them stop now. I understand they are not your opinions and I don't claim to agree with your every thought. My views are my own.

You know those days when you just wish someone understood. I get the impression a lot of people don't understand my feelings towards marriage and engagement and such. When I talk about being ready for marriage people chuckle and tell me hold my horses it will come soon enough. I realize I am impatient and I realize everyone knows I am impatient. Marriage is the one thing I have been waiting for since like 7th grade. This is what I have been called to do. While people are enjoying their majors and starting their careers I am waiting (often times impatiently). I do not really care about my major or a career. Society tells us that we need to go to college and have a good career and help support our families. My heart tells me to be a good wife, to love, and to live in a way that will please the Lord. I read part of this book called "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung and there is a chapter about marriage, occupations, and God's will. He talks about how we so often find ourselves waiting for the perfect timing, the perfect person, the perfect job or the perfect place to live. He says we wait and wait and wait when we should be making decisions and living a life of righteousness. One of my favorite statements is "Let's not spiritualize our inability to make decisions in the quest to discover God's will." Amen Kevin DeYoung. Thank you for this statement. He goes on to say later that too often young women are forced to get a career and put their energy into a career that they do not want. Thank you for understanding the heart of women, and more so for understanding me! I am not crazy. I know that the Lord is calling me to this and though my friends and boy friend think I am crazy because I cant wait, I know my heart. I also know my feelings are important and aren't something I need to shrug off because society tells me to get a career. Society can shove it because I am following the calling of my Lord and while I wait (because I cant propose to myself) I will continue to be relational and intentional with the people I meet.

But I am comfy...

2010-05-19T17:02:00.002-05:00

I am sure you know that feeling, when you wake up and don't want to get out of bed because you are too comfortable. Well I woke up yesterday to realize it was, not only my 21st birthday, but the landmark for my adult years. Its true, despite my attempt to still be a child, and despite my kicking, screaming, and crying, my adult years have come. Part of me says, yes with growing up comes a husband and children, which are things I very much desire. The other part of me says noooooooooooooooooo responsibility. Its like getting out of bed in the morning. Would you rather get out of bed and be productive or stay where it is nice and warm under your covers. On one hand, there is productivity and the satisfaction of getting things done, on the other hand there is safety and comfort. Yes, the Lord tells us to be content in Him. What I so often find myself struggling with is ignoring the difference between being content and being complacent. News: were not called to complacency. This means our(my) attempt to kick, and scream, and hold on to anything in my life that keeps me in this state of comfort, is a problem. The Lord tells us many times to leave our lives behind, pick up our crosses, and follow Him. My question for you is, If you are truly carrying your cross will you be able to still hold on to the things of this world?

But I pretend...

2010-05-14T13:14:00.003-05:00

The next chapter of "A Perfect Mess" goes through Psalm 62, and talks about the unsaid rules of Christianity and how as women we attempt to put on our hose and pretty dresses to cover our imperfections. We attempt to look like we have it all together, because our world tells us if we don't were weak. Well the world finally got it right, we ARE weak! Harper says "Walking in faith means trusting in God alone, not in what we say or do or wear. It means being honest about the fact that each of us is a mess and we need God's mercy. It means recognizing our complete dependence on His protection, provision, and providence." Can you say OUCH?!? yea Jesus, I think I hear you loud and clear. I mean at least I am honest and admit I am a complete mess right?!? No. There are two parts to that. First, we have to understand were a complete mess, which includes not only being honest with ourselves but others as well. Then, comes the hard part, we have to completely depend on the Lord our God for His protection, provision and providence. We cannot save ourselves. If that were the case, we would not have needed the grace Jesus gave us and the death of our Savior would have been for nothing. I get that we so desperately want to handle things on our own and we want to make everything better, my pride and selfishness remind me of that daily. I have news for you (and myself) we were not made for that. Before the whole fall of man thing happened, before Eve became a little weak and Adam lost his guts to say something to her, man was perfect. Man was made to depend on the Lord and His creation. We were not supposed to attempt to handle everything on our own or hide our imperfections. I mean after all what can you hide when you're naked?! Harper also says "Frankly, I think fixating on our own competency- or incompetency- is one of the biggest mistakes believers make. Because when we focus all our energy on trying to be in control, we forget our innate sinfulness and our desperate need for God." Lastly, she says "God's love frees us from meaningless rules and religious propriety, which means we can live authentically and abundantly by relying on Him instead of ourselves." First step is recognizing our disasters called lives, CHECK. Now its time we, now its time I, fully depend on the one person who deserves our(my) faith.

But together...

2010-05-13T13:09:00.001-05:00

It is the man and woman united that makes the complete human being. Separate she lacks his force of body and strength of reason; he her softness, sensibility and acute discernment. Together they are most likely to succeed in the world.
~ Benjamin Franklin ~

And its true...

2010-05-12T17:39:00.003-05:00

I honestly claim (and really believe) that I hear God louder and more clear in Africa than in America. Something about that beautiful country allows God to speak directly and obviously to me. Well here is me saying God is trying to teach me some very important things and its pretty obvious. My dear friend Heather (who you should know by now) gave me this book to read. Its called "A Perfect Mess" by Lisa Harper. Well of course the first chapter includes the two things God's been repeating in my life right now. One is to trust that whatever happens to me is working for the good of Christ. The book goes through some of the Psalms and it starts with Psalm 1. Which talks about following Christ will ultimately lead to his glory and following the wicked will lead to our destruction. Its tough for me to focus on this because of that problem I told you about before... my pride. I so desperately want things to happen when I want it that I don't trust God's timing. Shame on me. Second thing God's trying to beat into me is his unconditional, unique, irreplaceable love. I want the people in my life to fulfill that desire for me. I want Daniel and my girls to satisfy the desire for someone to truly love me. But that is asking way too much of my friends and putting my perfect bridegroom (Jesus) in a small box. I know this is true. I know these are things I need to learn. From you, my friends, I ask for grace and for accountability and the sweet reminder that my God loves me and desires the best for me and of me.

But we want it...

2010-05-06T16:47:00.003-05:00

As girls we are guilty of many things. We dream, we expect, and we want what we want when we want it. I, being a girl, know more than anyone that I have committed this crime more than once. I don't want to go into much detail because things are still a little tender but over the last few weeks I allowed my heart and mind to believe in something I had convinced myself was true. I let my mind wonder and run off to a place it desperately wanted to go but wasn't healthy for my reality. I realize now my faults and I see where I was wrong but at the time I was hurt. I was just so devastated and in desperate need of a friend. Seeing as it was 4 o'clock in the morning and I knew no one was awake or would climb in bed with me and just let me cry I went to the Lord. (Funny how he always makes me alone when I am at a low) Part of me doesn't get it, why would the Lord not give me whats on my heart. My dear sweet friend Heather reminded me the next day that its going to happen. The Lord wants to give us our hearts desires but he also a little better timing than we do. She is right. She is soo right but being the little girl I am I want what I want now. This all being said my Savior is teaching me patience and faith (two things I so desperately need). My prayer for us, as beautiful women, is that we take on a sense of peaceful patience that will restore our faith which is so easily lost during our temper tantrums.

But I aimlessly search...

2010-04-28T16:35:00.003-05:00

I have realized lately how much I depend on the people around me. I depend on them to give me affirmation in our friendships, in my character, and in our daily lives. I depend on them to support me and stand up for me. I depend on them to be honest with me and truly just show me love. I am unsure what the Lord is doing right now but I know there have been many times lately where I have been disappointed by my friendships. Keep in mind I am not referring to all of my friendships because there are a couple people in my life that the Lord has just out done himself with and really put them in my life right at the clutch point, when I most desperately needed them. But yes there has been disappointment lately. Knowing that I can walk in a room and have no one talk to me is uneasy and uncomfortable. It is definitely a situation I am not used to and not comforted by. The Lord is throwing me out of my comfort zone. If I had a guess it would be because he wants me to depend on him more (which is probably right). I know I mentioned this is my last entry but I feel like I have been aimlessly, agonizingly, almost helplessly searching for something and the truth is he is right in front of me. I search and search for affirmation and for love and for something I can depend on. I think I am finally beginning to realize there is no need for me to search. My God is truly faithful. My God is truly honest. My God is truly loving. My God is what I need.

Psalms 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

And I sit in silence...

2010-04-27T00:20:00.004-05:00

I haven't said anything in the past couple of weeks because I haven't had anything to say but I fear if I continue to say nothing I will lose myself. I have this issue with making my God small. I can not wrap my mind around his power, size, or grace therefore I treat him like I would anyone else. I pretend like I have this faith that is unbreakable but it is just a front like so many other things in my life. I can't trust people so I can't trust God. My pride tells me I know what is best and what is right and the Lord humbles me by hurling bricks at my heart (or so it feels that way). My worry is beginning to consume me. I worry about my future, my education, ASC as an organization, my friendships, my relationships, my finances, almost everything because I can not imagine the love my Lord has for me (the love without boundaries, without limits). In this world, in this country, in this era our "love" for one another comes with strings and limits. We "love" the ones we trust, the ones who are just like us, the ones who are nice, funny, pretty, entertaining. We love until we no longer trust, we love until we are no longer entertained, until we have heard all their jokes, until we no longer agree on things, until we find that we have loved enough. I am tired of living in a lot of pride and a little bit of faith. I am tired of having the Lord hurl bricks at my heart in order to get my attention and humble me. What is it going to take for me realize that what I have been searching for in my friendships, this love with no limit, is sitting right in front of me? Though I care about my friendships I will never be satisfied by a love that is conditional. So my prayer is that I can throw off my sins of selfishness, of pride, of faithlessness and realize the beautiful thing I have. Then in return I can learn to love others unconditionally, never putting them in a position to doubt my heart. Maybe just maybe unconditional love would change the world, better yet someone's life, because I know it would my own.

But you're beautiful...

2010-04-12T17:02:00.006-05:00

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
Beautiful by Phil Wickham

But were all in this together....

2010-03-30T11:53:00.004-05:00

"You know its not hard to see that this is GREATLY unbalanced and that things aren't right.
I know that, but for me it really hits hard if I stop and think about this moment cause its happening right now. In the same moment you have a generation who is sitting around entertaining themselves watching reality television (which to be honest is anything but real), while you have a child who is being prostituted behind closed doors and robbed of their innocence. Its not fair that we can go about consuming every single material option that comes our way, while the widow and orphan are stripped of life's basic dignities because they're victims of a conflict that simply isn't theirs. It's not fair that there is a generation who are choking on their obesity while at the same time there are 30,000 children who will die today for lack of food. Its not fair that we have no problem going about spending 3 or 4 dollars on what is basically glorified tap water in a bottle with a fancy label while you have entire communities suffering at the hands of disease because the only water that they have access to is foul and polluted. It's not fair that we can sing and dance and jump around in our freedom and in our liberty while at the same time the slave remains captive out of sight and out of mind. It's not fair that we can sit and watch the evening news from the comfort of our living rooms and pity those who lived where the storms hit or the ground shook or where the water rose and simply feel sorry for them and then change the channel and get on with supper. Is it fair to walk past the homeless man and give him nothing in the assumption that he will spend it on booze or cigarettes or suggest that he go out and get a job. I mean, who are we to judge the alcoholic or the prostitute or the addict or the criminal as if we were any better? Who are we to forget the downtrodden or the oppressed or the marginalized while we go about chasing the dream? We see this imbalance and we go "man that's not right, that's not fair". A little too often that's all we do, because for us to do a little more is actually going to cost us something. And if that's where it ends, perhaps its fair to say that when we ignore the prostitute and child, that we actually lend our hand to their abuse. That when we ignore the widow and the orphan in their distress, we actually add to their pain. When we ignore the slave who remains captive that it's us who is entrapping them. That when we forget the refugee, that it's us who is displacing them. When we choose not to help the poor and needy, that we actually rob them. Perhaps the only fair thing to say is that when we forsake the lives of others, we actually forsake our own." -Were All in this Together Hillsong United http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4NlyZqJhwk

And we plan...

2010-03-27T11:57:00.003-05:00

If you're anything like me, you plan. You plan all of the classes you will take until graduation or you plan on cleaning the entire house, you don't always follow through on this one but you plan it none the less. You plan on having 3 children all with brown hair and green eyes named Hannah, Taylor and Joe. Then, something happens. Something goes wrong with your plan and you get upset and you are let down, because your plan was perfect. Your plan was the plan of all plans, the most legit plan possible, nothing could be better than your plan. Who are we kidding? Do we not realize that our God knows us better than we do? Do we not realize that the creator of the world has a better plan than we do? Its time we, its time I step off of my high horse and enjoy the plan my Lord has set aside for me.

Spring Break in the Rocky's... kinda rocks (Pun intended)

2010-03-16T19:45:00.003-05:00

I totally wish I was as creative as God ya know? I mean I am not saying that like I wish to be equal to him because that would be bad im saying if I had an ounce of the creativity he has I would be happy. His creation is pretty baller ya dig?!