But I know now...

It's friday evening and camp is officially over. This morning was the "JOY party", where the kids get their blessing boxes and dance around and just have fun for a while. It was incredible to watch these kids, who were emotionless and dead at the beginning of the week, turn into these joyful children, dancing and singing to their Lord. My girls loved the blessing boxes and were so grateful for everything they were given. I worried at the beginning of this trip that the Lord brought me out here to tell me this wasn't where he wanted me anymore, but I think this was a sweet way to show me this part of my life is coming to an end. Don't get me wrong I love Zambia and I think Camp Life is incredible. I know the Lord had me here the past 3 summers for a reason (that reason being for my benefit and the children I had in my groups). I learned a lot about myself and about how much the Lord truly loves me, this year. I find it interesting that He had to bring me half way across the world to teach me how to depend on Him and show me how much He truly cares for me.

I know now that my journey doesn't end when I board the plane to America. He has big things in store for me and I am excited about being a vessel for Him in the states. I know now that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

And today I am still tired...

So, I woke up feeling about the same this morning but I went to camp anyway. I am thinking now it was a bad idea because it was very cold and windy today, so I am only feeling more exhausted. I met 13 of the 15 girls I have this week and they are precious. They range from 8 (which I really think is more around the age of 6) to 16. I got 9 blessing times done. A blessing time is just a one-on-one time where I learn about the child's situation. So my smallest girl Freida (who claims to be 8) was very difficult to get to open up. I asked her question after question and she would take her sweet time thinking before she spoke. So I wasn't surprised when she took her time to answer, when I asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" After a long pause she replied, "white". HAHAH Yes she understood the question, apparently, that is what she wants to be. Like always prayers are needed and appreciated. Nakuyewa Nikukondani Maningi (I miss you and love you all a lot).

But today I am tired...

I woke up today feeling awful. My immune system is like non-existent. I have a lot of sinus drainage stuff going on, so not only is it making my nausea worse but now my glands are swollen. I laid in bed all day. Kailee said she saw my girls I have this week and some of them are from last year. She said they added some young girls to my group too so I am hoping I will feel good enough to go tomorrow. I hate being sick in a different country. There isn't anyone to really take care of me so its difficult. I am ready to feel better. Prayers are needed and welcomed.

And the new week begins...

Well today was church day and then market day. Church and the market were both successful. Later today we received our zambian partners for the week. Well, some of the Americans only get one of their partners because the other one isn't coming until Monday. I was one of those Americans this week, so my main zambian partner wasn't there. My backup partner and I met together when I would've normally met with my main partner. His name is Shadreck and he speaks very little English. It was miserable to be honest. It is really difficult to get to know someone when they speak a different language. I feel like the devil is just doing everything he can to put me down this trip. Tonight at dinner (during the testimony time) a guy stood up and said that his motto for the week and suggestion for everyone is to "focus on what it means to be faithful today". I guess that is my only hope and the only thing keeping me going at this moment. I am not ready for the week right now. I am exhausted and tired and ready for working toilets, showers, and American food. Nakuyewani maningi (I miss you all very much).

But were called out of our comfort zones...

So I thought today was going to be a relaxing Saturday but instead a few of the younger people decided to go to the 20 and under national Zambian soccer game. There were about 15 of us muzungus (white people) with a huge zambian flag we carried. Lets just say more people watched us than the game. We stood in the section with the drunks who were smoking something questionable and blowing their vuvuzelas and playing bongos really loud. It was so far out of my comfort zone I cannot even explain the anxiety I was having. I am glad I did it because it's a crazy experience to have but it definitely wasn't the relaxing day I expected.

And with JOY there will be healing...

Today was the last day of camp for week 7. The theme this year is JOY. Earlier in the week we talked to the kids about J- for Jesus, O- for others, and today was Y- for you. So today was the day we gave them bags that had their blessing boxes in them along with a bag of sugar, mealy meal and cooking oil. The blessing boxes had a beanie baby, a sheet of stickers, a bar of soap, a tube of lotion, an eraser, a pencil sharpener, 5 pencils, 2 pens, a ruler, a bracelet, and a gummy snack. I know to Americans these all seem like such simple things but the JOY that these goods brought was unrealistic. Each of my boys looked over all of their stuff for like an hour, they were so amazed. When it was time to leave they took the bandanas they received the day before and covered up the stuff in the bag. I asked my partner if that was because they thought someone would take it in the community and they said yes. The thought of having to hide my pencils, so no one will take them, is so unimaginable. When they went to load the buses one of the boys, Steven (14 years old) began to cry because he was so sad he would not get to spend more time with me. These boys are just so incredible and have taken a special place in my heart. Thank you if you had any part in helping me get here through financing me or prayers. You are very much appreciated. Continue to pray for my boys as they return to their community, that they will remember Jesus, Others, You. Also, I ask that you continue to pray for me. I am having issues with sickness and such and so I ask that you keep me in mind. Zikomo (Thank you). Nikukondani (I love you all).

And its shoe day...

Camp day 4 is always crazy, because its shoe day. Shoe day is crazy because we give every camper a new pair of shoes and then go into the community of the kids in our group and watch them witness to the people in their community. Well I was told at the beginning of today that I would get to see Moses (my sponsor child) at the community resource center (that of course made me so excited). So getting all the kids shoes was super difficult because they ran out of sizes 6 to 10 before my group of boys got in there. Half of my boys had fitting shoes at the end and the other half had shoes that were at least 2 sizes too big or girl shoes. One of my kids wears a size 7 and had to get size 11 shoes. So needless to say it was slightly stressful. Once shoes were done we loaded the buses for the different communities. On our way to Chawama (the community my boys were from) they told us we weren’t going to stop at the CRC (community resource center) because it was too far and we didn’t have enough time. My heart instantly dropped because I knew I was going to get to see Moses but I tried to not let it show. So we went through Chawama spreading the Gospel and Gods Joy. The Americans and Zambian staff returned back to the bus and said good by to our kids. We got back on the bus and they told us we had to stop by the CRC to drop off the kids. Once we got there I saw Moses walk out the door and so I yelled his name and he came running towards me with open arms. Note: Moses is a 16 year old boy so watching him run towards me was so heart warming. So we started talking and I asked if he had fun at camp week 4 when he came and he said yes but I cried everyday because I didn’t have you Auntie Jodi. OH MY GOSH my heart nearly hit my stomach. I was like ME TOO Moses, me too! So I got to spend about 15 minutes with him, which was glorious. I told him I would write him more letters and he was like good I like them very much. It was a sad good bye but I am very grateful for the time I got. Pray for me as I go into the last day of this week’s camp. The last day is always the craziest and I really need energy. Nikukondani maningi (I love you very much).

And its camp day 2...

So day 2 of camp I felt a little better. I had a pretty good day. Moses, my sponsor child still wasn’t at camp so I asked Holly about it and she said he came week 4 because he was in the database more than once. That’s so disheartening to hear because he is MY boy, but she said she will try to get him at camp this week at least one day. I guess that is all I can ask for. I am just trying to enjoy the boys I do have. Today in the big season (which is where all of the groups come together and hear a message) I saw another woman breast-feeding her child. I am talking about in the middle of big group with everyone in the room. Needless to say I was still awked out by it. So anyway today was better continue praying for my fellow American counselors, my boys, and me. Tonight, I started feeling bad again. They auctioned off a 6-pack of dr.pepper tonight. A man bought them for $120. He gave me one. I am forever grateful. Buuuut now I have a tummy ache. Zikomo (thank you). Nikukondoni (I love you all)!

And your prayers are needed...

Well, it was the first day of camp today. I woke up at 7a.m. not feeling good but I didn’t want to complain and so I toughed it out, ate breakfast, got dressed, and left for camp. Monday mornings at camp kind of suck because it takes around half of the day to get your kids. Once, I got to camp I started feeling worse and worse. So before I even got my kids I left to go back to the villa because I just couldn’t take my nausea. So I slept for like 3 hours back at the villas and then went back to camp and noticed I had my boys this week. BUT only 4 of my boys from last year were here and I got 11 new ones. Moses (my precious boy I sponsor) is not at camp and I am pretty torn up about it. So today was really hard and I am frustrated. It’s difficult because to be honest Moses was the only reason I came back. I know that sounds terrible and I know God does everything for a reason but it is difficult to be in this circumstance. Continue sending your prayers my way. Nikukondoni (I love you all).

And the journey begins...

Today Kailee read one of her letters someone wrote her and it talked about how psalms 118 is the middle of the bible and how psalms 117 is the shortest book and psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the bible. I know the Lord has a reason for everything so I made Kails read 118 to me. It talked about God’s steadfast love and how it endures forever. No wonder he made it the center of the bible. If we center our lives on the fact that God’s love for us is supreme and endless, our lives will be changed forever. Psalm 118:14 says “The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory”. That is my prayer right now. It is so easy for me to be on this emotional roller coaster while I am here (in Zambia if you didn’t already know). It’s tough. I enjoy walking out of my house and knowing how and where I am going but here I have to go by someone else’s schedule and ride a big blue bus to get everywhere. We get our kids tomorrow at camp so I know it will all be worth it then but right now I am jetlagged and exhausted. So this is my prayer, Lord, you are my strength and my song. I know I am victorious in you alone. Tonight we got our Zambian partners (translators). Its kind of a big deal everyone comes together and they call your name and your partners name you stand up meet each other and talk for like 30 minutes then go back inside to do some camp songs and dances. Well my partner is very talkative. Her name is Monde (pronounced moan-day, yes sounds a lot like Monday). She is really funny; she informed me that she only dates white men (I held back my laughter at that point). Anyway when we finished talking and praying together we went back in the big room to sing and dance. I look back to see all of the other Americans with their partner and see Mrs. Utz (my stand in mother for the trip) with her partner. Her partner was a middle-aged woman who was breast-feeding her child right in front of everyone. Yep, apparently it’s normal here (of course I was unable to hold my laughter in at that point).Tomorrow we get our kids and I am ready. Be praying for me and Monde and our kids. I know the Lord has set aside a special, unique group of kids for us and I want to make sure I am allowing the Lord to speak through me so these kids can get the most out of camp.

Thanks for your prayers and emails. Love you all.

But its called faith...

Sitting through our 10 hour lay-over I can officially say we made it to London safely. I hate airports and airplanes tend to give me a little anxiety (not because I think were going to crash or get hijacked but more because of the small space, terrible food and lack of sleep I tend to get). This time was no exception, I got no more than an hour of sleep. So I have been awake for like 21 hours now and I am feeling the exhaustion. I am sitting at Maddie's friends flat in London absolutely dreading getting on another flight. Needless to say I would love your prayers (we would love your prayers). We need sleep and energy and sanity and your prayers would be greatly appreciated. This being my 3rd year, you would think I would be used to this. I mean traveling to Zambia is not something new to me. Depending on Christ shouldn't be something new to me. I wish it was natural but I guess thats not exactly faith is it? Anyway this is me rambling because I cant focus my thoughts. So here's me saying I am safe in London attempting to depend on my loving Father.

But I want more...

My loving boyfriend and I were having a conversation the other day that has been lingering in my head and my heart for a few days now. We were talking about friendship and I said something about not having any friends, an exaggeration yes. Please understand I know I have friends but I am a dramatic girl who has felt quite lonely this summer. Anyway, I said something about not having any friends and his reply was "its not that you don't have any friends its just your definition of a friend is different than most everyone else". I didn't have to ask him to explain because he quickly began saying that most people call acquaintances friends but when I call someone a friend, I mean something way different. He said I mean someone who will drop whatever they're doing to hang out with me and someone who accepts me for me and someone who legitimately cares about me. The subject of our conversation changed but this stuck with me for some reason and over the past few days I have just sat with it. My initial thought was, well Daniel knows me very well. My second thought was, does that make me a selfish person? Am I selfish because I want a friend who wants to be my friend and who wants to hang out with me? I will admit I have a lot of flaws but I cannot convince myself this is one of them. So my next thought went straight to my insecurities. I have had a lot of people tell me I seem very confident and that kind of surprises me. I am a very insecure person, apparently I hide it well, but I do have my insecurities and my friendships are towards the top of that list. I hate that, but it's the truth. I know its dumb, but I worry if the friendships I am making will last. I worry that if I died today I could count the people on my hands that would cry and those would be family members and Daniel. I know friends who if they called me and said I need you now I wouldn't question where they were or how long it took me to get there or what I was doing I would go and I question how many people would do that for me. That sounds depressing, I know, but this is supposed to be a place where I share my dirt and my filth and in this case my insecurities. Deep down were all insecure about something, judge if you want, but this is mine.

And your beloved needs you now...

I have felt kind of lonely in College Station lately. Its just not the same without your best friends, you know? I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy the friends that are here but its something about walking into your living room and talking to your roommates about your day and them knowing everything you have been going through. Instead, I walk into a lonely house that still needs a lot of unpacking. Anyways, I am reading this book called "Jesus Wants to Save Christians". I came to a part in the book that asks the question "What are the moments that have shaped you the most". Then it goes on to say its periods of transformation, when your eyes are opened, when you're forced to cry out to the Lord because you're at the end of your rope, that you typically grow the most. Gosh, its so true. I mean lets take a look at my life. The first thing that pops up is changing churches right before 9th grade year, I learned a lot about the politics of the church and what a church family should look like. Then, I think about not making officer for my dance line the first time I tried out. Had I made it the first ear I guarantee my ego and pride would've made me a horrible leader but instead the humility prepared me for the next year when I did make it. Then, I think about all of the relationships in my life that never worked out. Though, it was not fun going through break ups or losing friends, I learned something about myself from all of them. The book states "For many people, it was their cry, their depression, their acknowledgment of their oppression, that was the beginning of their liberation. When we're on top, when the system works for us, when we are capable of managing our lives, what is there for God to do?" I have somehow convinced myself it is possible for me to be in control of my life. What a joke right? And though, I am not thanking Him now, I know I will thank our God soon, because what he has in store for me is far greater than my imagination. Right now is tough, right now I am struggling, right now I just wish one of my girls were in College Station and knew what was going on in my life, but I know my God is drawing me nearer and I trust that this is a growing time for me. So, I cry out to my Creator.