But its called faith...

Sitting through our 10 hour lay-over I can officially say we made it to London safely. I hate airports and airplanes tend to give me a little anxiety (not because I think were going to crash or get hijacked but more because of the small space, terrible food and lack of sleep I tend to get). This time was no exception, I got no more than an hour of sleep. So I have been awake for like 21 hours now and I am feeling the exhaustion. I am sitting at Maddie's friends flat in London absolutely dreading getting on another flight. Needless to say I would love your prayers (we would love your prayers). We need sleep and energy and sanity and your prayers would be greatly appreciated. This being my 3rd year, you would think I would be used to this. I mean traveling to Zambia is not something new to me. Depending on Christ shouldn't be something new to me. I wish it was natural but I guess thats not exactly faith is it? Anyway this is me rambling because I cant focus my thoughts. So here's me saying I am safe in London attempting to depend on my loving Father.

But I want more...

My loving boyfriend and I were having a conversation the other day that has been lingering in my head and my heart for a few days now. We were talking about friendship and I said something about not having any friends, an exaggeration yes. Please understand I know I have friends but I am a dramatic girl who has felt quite lonely this summer. Anyway, I said something about not having any friends and his reply was "its not that you don't have any friends its just your definition of a friend is different than most everyone else". I didn't have to ask him to explain because he quickly began saying that most people call acquaintances friends but when I call someone a friend, I mean something way different. He said I mean someone who will drop whatever they're doing to hang out with me and someone who accepts me for me and someone who legitimately cares about me. The subject of our conversation changed but this stuck with me for some reason and over the past few days I have just sat with it. My initial thought was, well Daniel knows me very well. My second thought was, does that make me a selfish person? Am I selfish because I want a friend who wants to be my friend and who wants to hang out with me? I will admit I have a lot of flaws but I cannot convince myself this is one of them. So my next thought went straight to my insecurities. I have had a lot of people tell me I seem very confident and that kind of surprises me. I am a very insecure person, apparently I hide it well, but I do have my insecurities and my friendships are towards the top of that list. I hate that, but it's the truth. I know its dumb, but I worry if the friendships I am making will last. I worry that if I died today I could count the people on my hands that would cry and those would be family members and Daniel. I know friends who if they called me and said I need you now I wouldn't question where they were or how long it took me to get there or what I was doing I would go and I question how many people would do that for me. That sounds depressing, I know, but this is supposed to be a place where I share my dirt and my filth and in this case my insecurities. Deep down were all insecure about something, judge if you want, but this is mine.

And your beloved needs you now...

I have felt kind of lonely in College Station lately. Its just not the same without your best friends, you know? I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy the friends that are here but its something about walking into your living room and talking to your roommates about your day and them knowing everything you have been going through. Instead, I walk into a lonely house that still needs a lot of unpacking. Anyways, I am reading this book called "Jesus Wants to Save Christians". I came to a part in the book that asks the question "What are the moments that have shaped you the most". Then it goes on to say its periods of transformation, when your eyes are opened, when you're forced to cry out to the Lord because you're at the end of your rope, that you typically grow the most. Gosh, its so true. I mean lets take a look at my life. The first thing that pops up is changing churches right before 9th grade year, I learned a lot about the politics of the church and what a church family should look like. Then, I think about not making officer for my dance line the first time I tried out. Had I made it the first ear I guarantee my ego and pride would've made me a horrible leader but instead the humility prepared me for the next year when I did make it. Then, I think about all of the relationships in my life that never worked out. Though, it was not fun going through break ups or losing friends, I learned something about myself from all of them. The book states "For many people, it was their cry, their depression, their acknowledgment of their oppression, that was the beginning of their liberation. When we're on top, when the system works for us, when we are capable of managing our lives, what is there for God to do?" I have somehow convinced myself it is possible for me to be in control of my life. What a joke right? And though, I am not thanking Him now, I know I will thank our God soon, because what he has in store for me is far greater than my imagination. Right now is tough, right now I am struggling, right now I just wish one of my girls were in College Station and knew what was going on in my life, but I know my God is drawing me nearer and I trust that this is a growing time for me. So, I cry out to my Creator.

And all to Him I owe...

The sermon at church yesterday was about one word in Romans 1:1. "doulos", meaning slave. Paul opens Romans up with saying "This letter is written by Paul, a slave of Jesus Christ...". Our pastor began talking about how if we all took on the nature of a slave the world could potentially be changed. Then he went on to discuss the characteristics of a slave. He names 3 things a servant of Christ knows how to do: 1. give, 2. live, 3. forgive.

Giving is about putting aside our selfish nature. Its about ignoring ourselves and focussing on the Lord. Then Dr. Higgs said, its time we stop saying I will do things for MY way to look out for MY best interests. Instead, we should be saying I will do things HIS way to look out for HIS best interests. This really hit hard. How many times a day do I say the words I, me, my, myself, etc? I am so self focused that I am ignoring my task at hand, which is to further the Kingdom of God.

Then Dr. Higgs made a comment about slaves essentially gauging their ears, to show everyone that they were someones slave for life and could not be traded or bought. So that led me to the thought, how do people know I am the Lord's servant? Or do people even know that at all? The Lord so graciously bought me a very long time ago. He paid the price for my sins and now I am eternally His. Yet, I am sure there are people out there who have no idea because I forget to wear it daily.

He ended his sermon saying, "I am a slave of Christ. What are you a slave to?" That is one of those times where you get a good gut check. Its tough to see where we fall short, but its time I begin to let the world know. I am taken. I have been paid for. I am eternally His servant.

And we walk by faith...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -Reinhold Niebuhr

And we pray...

This post I just want to list some prayer request...

1. All of the missionaries traveling to foreign lands right now.

2. I ask that you pray for my heart as I began to prepare for Zambia this year.

3. My patience as I move for the 3rd time this summer.

4. That I find peace just being with the Lord.

5. My 3 best friends... Hallie- as she works at a camp called Sky Ranch, that she pours into the little girls she gets to work with. Kailee- as she begins working with a non-profit. Her salary comes from monthly donations or a one time donation. Her faith is so big and I know God will be faithful to her. And last but definitely not least Heather- she's working with a rescue mission in Colorado. Pray that she finds her place there.

6. Last be praying for the lost souls of this world.

And I am without an umbrella..

I have felt down for a while now. During the school things were easier because I could distract myself with my friends and ASC and work and everything fun in my life. Then, summer came and I found myself standing in the rain (not literally). I have talked about it before, how I am really bad about depending on God and giving everything to him. I am a woman of little faith. This obviously isn't something I want to be but I just find that there are times where I am on fire for christ and times where I am just cold. I admit it, since this summer has begun I have been cold. I have been so frustrated because I feel like I am fighting so many battles and they never stop. I feel like I am standing out in the rain soak and wet sobbing. My pride and my natural habit to focus on worldly things has put me on mute. I don't cry out to my God during this storm because I have lost sight of the faithfulness of my Father. I don't know if anyone really reads this blog because I know I ramble a lot, but if you do I ask for your prayers. I so desperately want and need to be captivated again. I want to be back at the place where my life is solely dependent on my gracious, loving Father.

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

Stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

[Stand in the Rain by Superchick]

Lord, allow me to feel your warmth and see you at work in my life. Get me back to the place where I am a vessel, not distracted by worldly things, ready to be filled up by you and poured out on your people. While I wait for you to return, I want to be devoted to furthering your kingdom. Allow my heart not to be consumed by this world but broken for it. Give me your passion, as you have so graciously given me life. -Your daughter of little faith, who is searching for you.

but its a different language..

I had the bright idea to take two 6week long summer classes that last for the duration of June. Mini-mesters, such as these, are difficult because it is only 6 weeks but for some reason I ignored that fact and decided to take both biology and business math II. Now biology has not been so bad when I actually read but math is a different language to me. It makes me want to beat my head up against a wall. I haven't really had this problem before (referring to not understanding). Even when I go to Zambia (where they do speak a different language) I don't struggle that much. When thinking about it today it kind of rolled over to the different love languages. I took this love language test and it asks 30 questions and tells you how you scored in each. My scores: 7- words of affirmation, 7- physical touch, 6- quality time, 5- receiving gifts, 5- acts of service. Thinking through friendships and relationships I really do agree. In my friendships, nothing makes me feel more loved than hearing that I am appreciated as a friend. Looking at my relationship with Daniel I think I take his acts of service for granted but what really stands out to me his me walking in and him telling me I look gorgeous or him kissing my cheek when he sees me after a long day at work. I realize that everyone doesn't have the same love language but I think the important thing is that we love. Our world is desperately lacking it and I think no matter what language we use, the important thing is that our world finds love and finds it soon.

And it starts with me...

While procrastinating my biology assignments, I read a quote online that said, "The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love." This made me think (of course) and I completely agree with this. Love is talked about over and over again in the bible, and is described in many ways. I think we, as a nation, and as a church, have fallen short of what God has called us to make of love. I talk a lot about how our society has affected us and this is going to be another instance. Were shown in movies and music this love that is passionate and unbreakable but then when we don't find it in society that is all we can think of. Until recently, I always blamed society for giving us a false image of love and making me (as a girl) have an unrealistic thought of what falling in love looks like. But I started thinking about it and why is that passion and love unrealistic? I think it has a lot to do with us being scared. We feel like someone has to love us, whether it is our moms, our dogs, or even ourselves. So we hold out. We keep a lot of the love we have to ourselves because were scared no one else will love us. We are a selfish nation and we have been taught not to give more than we are given. That isn't how love should be. We should give our all. Love should never be conditional. I just think we have distorted this beautiful thing God has given us called love. I think we, NO... I know for a fact that it is time for a revolution. It starts with me right?!

And I should warn you of my honesty...

Warning: these are MY true feelings, if you don't want to hear them stop now. I understand they are not your opinions and I don't claim to agree with your every thought. My views are my own.

You know those days when you just wish someone understood. I get the impression a lot of people don't understand my feelings towards marriage and engagement and such. When I talk about being ready for marriage people chuckle and tell me hold my horses it will come soon enough. I realize I am impatient and I realize everyone knows I am impatient. Marriage is the one thing I have been waiting for since like 7th grade. This is what I have been called to do. While people are enjoying their majors and starting their careers I am waiting (often times impatiently). I do not really care about my major or a career. Society tells us that we need to go to college and have a good career and help support our families. My heart tells me to be a good wife, to love, and to live in a way that will please the Lord. I read part of this book called "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung and there is a chapter about marriage, occupations, and God's will. He talks about how we so often find ourselves waiting for the perfect timing, the perfect person, the perfect job or the perfect place to live. He says we wait and wait and wait when we should be making decisions and living a life of righteousness. One of my favorite statements is "Let's not spiritualize our inability to make decisions in the quest to discover God's will." Amen Kevin DeYoung. Thank you for this statement. He goes on to say later that too often young women are forced to get a career and put their energy into a career that they do not want. Thank you for understanding the heart of women, and more so for understanding me! I am not crazy. I know that the Lord is calling me to this and though my friends and boy friend think I am crazy because I cant wait, I know my heart. I also know my feelings are important and aren't something I need to shrug off because society tells me to get a career. Society can shove it because I am following the calling of my Lord and while I wait (because I cant propose to myself) I will continue to be relational and intentional with the people I meet.

But I am comfy...

I am sure you know that feeling, when you wake up and don't want to get out of bed because you are too comfortable. Well I woke up yesterday to realize it was, not only my 21st birthday, but the landmark for my adult years. Its true, despite my attempt to still be a child, and despite my kicking, screaming, and crying, my adult years have come. Part of me says, yes with growing up comes a husband and children, which are things I very much desire. The other part of me says noooooooooooooooooo responsibility. Its like getting out of bed in the morning. Would you rather get out of bed and be productive or stay where it is nice and warm under your covers. On one hand, there is productivity and the satisfaction of getting things done, on the other hand there is safety and comfort. Yes, the Lord tells us to be content in Him. What I so often find myself struggling with is ignoring the difference between being content and being complacent. News: were not called to complacency. This means our(my) attempt to kick, and scream, and hold on to anything in my life that keeps me in this state of comfort, is a problem. The Lord tells us many times to leave our lives behind, pick up our crosses, and follow Him. My question for you is, If you are truly carrying your cross will you be able to still hold on to the things of this world?

But I pretend...

The next chapter of "A Perfect Mess" goes through Psalm 62, and talks about the unsaid rules of Christianity and how as women we attempt to put on our hose and pretty dresses to cover our imperfections. We attempt to look like we have it all together, because our world tells us if we don't were weak. Well the world finally got it right, we ARE weak! Harper says "Walking in faith means trusting in God alone, not in what we say or do or wear. It means being honest about the fact that each of us is a mess and we need God's mercy. It means recognizing our complete dependence on His protection, provision, and providence." Can you say OUCH?!? yea Jesus, I think I hear you loud and clear. I mean at least I am honest and admit I am a complete mess right?!? No. There are two parts to that. First, we have to understand were a complete mess, which includes not only being honest with ourselves but others as well. Then, comes the hard part, we have to completely depend on the Lord our God for His protection, provision and providence. We cannot save ourselves. If that were the case, we would not have needed the grace Jesus gave us and the death of our Savior would have been for nothing. I get that we so desperately want to handle things on our own and we want to make everything better, my pride and selfishness remind me of that daily. I have news for you (and myself) we were not made for that. Before the whole fall of man thing happened, before Eve became a little weak and Adam lost his guts to say something to her, man was perfect. Man was made to depend on the Lord and His creation. We were not supposed to attempt to handle everything on our own or hide our imperfections. I mean after all what can you hide when you're naked?! Harper also says "Frankly, I think fixating on our own competency- or incompetency- is one of the biggest mistakes believers make. Because when we focus all our energy on trying to be in control, we forget our innate sinfulness and our desperate need for God." Lastly, she says "God's love frees us from meaningless rules and religious propriety, which means we can live authentically and abundantly by relying on Him instead of ourselves." First step is recognizing our disasters called lives, CHECK. Now its time we, now its time I, fully depend on the one person who deserves our(my) faith.

But together...

It is the man and woman united that makes the complete human being. Separate she lacks his force of body and strength of reason; he her softness, sensibility and acute discernment. Together they are most likely to succeed in the world.
~ Benjamin Franklin ~

And its true...

I honestly claim (and really believe) that I hear God louder and more clear in Africa than in America. Something about that beautiful country allows God to speak directly and obviously to me. Well here is me saying God is trying to teach me some very important things and its pretty obvious. My dear friend Heather (who you should know by now) gave me this book to read. Its called "A Perfect Mess" by Lisa Harper. Well of course the first chapter includes the two things God's been repeating in my life right now. One is to trust that whatever happens to me is working for the good of Christ. The book goes through some of the Psalms and it starts with Psalm 1. Which talks about following Christ will ultimately lead to his glory and following the wicked will lead to our destruction. Its tough for me to focus on this because of that problem I told you about before... my pride. I so desperately want things to happen when I want it that I don't trust God's timing. Shame on me. Second thing God's trying to beat into me is his unconditional, unique, irreplaceable love. I want the people in my life to fulfill that desire for me. I want Daniel and my girls to satisfy the desire for someone to truly love me. But that is asking way too much of my friends and putting my perfect bridegroom (Jesus) in a small box. I know this is true. I know these are things I need to learn. From you, my friends, I ask for grace and for accountability and the sweet reminder that my God loves me and desires the best for me and of me.

But we want it...

As girls we are guilty of many things. We dream, we expect, and we want what we want when we want it. I, being a girl, know more than anyone that I have committed this crime more than once. I don't want to go into much detail because things are still a little tender but over the last few weeks I allowed my heart and mind to believe in something I had convinced myself was true. I let my mind wonder and run off to a place it desperately wanted to go but wasn't healthy for my reality. I realize now my faults and I see where I was wrong but at the time I was hurt. I was just so devastated and in desperate need of a friend. Seeing as it was 4 o'clock in the morning and I knew no one was awake or would climb in bed with me and just let me cry I went to the Lord. (Funny how he always makes me alone when I am at a low) Part of me doesn't get it, why would the Lord not give me whats on my heart. My dear sweet friend Heather reminded me the next day that its going to happen. The Lord wants to give us our hearts desires but he also a little better timing than we do. She is right. She is soo right but being the little girl I am I want what I want now. This all being said my Savior is teaching me patience and faith (two things I so desperately need). My prayer for us, as beautiful women, is that we take on a sense of peaceful patience that will restore our faith which is so easily lost during our temper tantrums.