But this week...

It is here. The moment I have been waiting for. I have been dreaming about and planning for this day for SO long. To think that I get to stand in front of everyone and marry the man of my dreams bring this warmth to my heart that I cannot explain. I am about to become a wife. I am about to enter this point in my life where my flaws of selfishness will be magnified and I could not be more excited or frightened. I am excited to become more disciplined as a godly woman. I am excited to encourage Daniel when he is tired of chasing his dreams. I am excited to wake up next to the love of my life every single morning. I am nervous that Daniel is about to get to know all sides of me, broken and dirty included. I am nervous that I will disappoint him. I am nervous that I wont live up to his expectations of a wife. But I am excited to fail and grow with him. I am excited to learn more about him every day. And I am excited to love him whole heartedly for the rest of my life. There is no time left. This is the week. My future is about to begin.

Dear Daniel, I cannot wait to run down the aisle to you and say 'I do' to the rest of our lives.

But I always will...

New favorite band: The Civil Wars. They have this song called Poison & Wine (it should be playing right now). The lyrics: 

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will 

It is about a relationship (obvious haha). Well, ok, in her interview she says its about when you are in a relationship there are times when things are tough. There are times when you are angry and you just want to run away. There are times when you of it as a game. There are times when you want to give up. But she says thats part of being in a relationship. She talks about how if the relationship is real you always get through those times. 

It is called unconditional love. ASC had our semester retreat a few weekends ago and something I learned about myself is that I haven't grasped this concept of unconditional love. I mean I know I unconditionally love my family and unconditionally love Daniel but it's the unconditional love for me that I don't get. I can blame it on a lot of things probably most likely a HS relationship gone wrong but when it comes down to it I am left with these issues of abandonment and rejection. It has left me in this place where I feel like I have to perform to be loved. This includes my relationship with my family, Daniel, friends, and Jesus. The idea that there is nothing I can do to make Jesus (or daniel, or my friends, or my family) love me less is really foreign. But I pray over the next month (before i get married in 26 days whoop) I can see glimpses of this unconditional love Jesus gives. I am looking forward to getting to know Jesus as my lover.