And I should warn you of my honesty...

Warning: these are MY true feelings, if you don't want to hear them stop now. I understand they are not your opinions and I don't claim to agree with your every thought. My views are my own.

You know those days when you just wish someone understood. I get the impression a lot of people don't understand my feelings towards marriage and engagement and such. When I talk about being ready for marriage people chuckle and tell me hold my horses it will come soon enough. I realize I am impatient and I realize everyone knows I am impatient. Marriage is the one thing I have been waiting for since like 7th grade. This is what I have been called to do. While people are enjoying their majors and starting their careers I am waiting (often times impatiently). I do not really care about my major or a career. Society tells us that we need to go to college and have a good career and help support our families. My heart tells me to be a good wife, to love, and to live in a way that will please the Lord. I read part of this book called "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung and there is a chapter about marriage, occupations, and God's will. He talks about how we so often find ourselves waiting for the perfect timing, the perfect person, the perfect job or the perfect place to live. He says we wait and wait and wait when we should be making decisions and living a life of righteousness. One of my favorite statements is "Let's not spiritualize our inability to make decisions in the quest to discover God's will." Amen Kevin DeYoung. Thank you for this statement. He goes on to say later that too often young women are forced to get a career and put their energy into a career that they do not want. Thank you for understanding the heart of women, and more so for understanding me! I am not crazy. I know that the Lord is calling me to this and though my friends and boy friend think I am crazy because I cant wait, I know my heart. I also know my feelings are important and aren't something I need to shrug off because society tells me to get a career. Society can shove it because I am following the calling of my Lord and while I wait (because I cant propose to myself) I will continue to be relational and intentional with the people I meet.

But I am comfy...

I am sure you know that feeling, when you wake up and don't want to get out of bed because you are too comfortable. Well I woke up yesterday to realize it was, not only my 21st birthday, but the landmark for my adult years. Its true, despite my attempt to still be a child, and despite my kicking, screaming, and crying, my adult years have come. Part of me says, yes with growing up comes a husband and children, which are things I very much desire. The other part of me says noooooooooooooooooo responsibility. Its like getting out of bed in the morning. Would you rather get out of bed and be productive or stay where it is nice and warm under your covers. On one hand, there is productivity and the satisfaction of getting things done, on the other hand there is safety and comfort. Yes, the Lord tells us to be content in Him. What I so often find myself struggling with is ignoring the difference between being content and being complacent. News: were not called to complacency. This means our(my) attempt to kick, and scream, and hold on to anything in my life that keeps me in this state of comfort, is a problem. The Lord tells us many times to leave our lives behind, pick up our crosses, and follow Him. My question for you is, If you are truly carrying your cross will you be able to still hold on to the things of this world?

But I pretend...

The next chapter of "A Perfect Mess" goes through Psalm 62, and talks about the unsaid rules of Christianity and how as women we attempt to put on our hose and pretty dresses to cover our imperfections. We attempt to look like we have it all together, because our world tells us if we don't were weak. Well the world finally got it right, we ARE weak! Harper says "Walking in faith means trusting in God alone, not in what we say or do or wear. It means being honest about the fact that each of us is a mess and we need God's mercy. It means recognizing our complete dependence on His protection, provision, and providence." Can you say OUCH?!? yea Jesus, I think I hear you loud and clear. I mean at least I am honest and admit I am a complete mess right?!? No. There are two parts to that. First, we have to understand were a complete mess, which includes not only being honest with ourselves but others as well. Then, comes the hard part, we have to completely depend on the Lord our God for His protection, provision and providence. We cannot save ourselves. If that were the case, we would not have needed the grace Jesus gave us and the death of our Savior would have been for nothing. I get that we so desperately want to handle things on our own and we want to make everything better, my pride and selfishness remind me of that daily. I have news for you (and myself) we were not made for that. Before the whole fall of man thing happened, before Eve became a little weak and Adam lost his guts to say something to her, man was perfect. Man was made to depend on the Lord and His creation. We were not supposed to attempt to handle everything on our own or hide our imperfections. I mean after all what can you hide when you're naked?! Harper also says "Frankly, I think fixating on our own competency- or incompetency- is one of the biggest mistakes believers make. Because when we focus all our energy on trying to be in control, we forget our innate sinfulness and our desperate need for God." Lastly, she says "God's love frees us from meaningless rules and religious propriety, which means we can live authentically and abundantly by relying on Him instead of ourselves." First step is recognizing our disasters called lives, CHECK. Now its time we, now its time I, fully depend on the one person who deserves our(my) faith.

But together...

It is the man and woman united that makes the complete human being. Separate she lacks his force of body and strength of reason; he her softness, sensibility and acute discernment. Together they are most likely to succeed in the world.
~ Benjamin Franklin ~

And its true...

I honestly claim (and really believe) that I hear God louder and more clear in Africa than in America. Something about that beautiful country allows God to speak directly and obviously to me. Well here is me saying God is trying to teach me some very important things and its pretty obvious. My dear friend Heather (who you should know by now) gave me this book to read. Its called "A Perfect Mess" by Lisa Harper. Well of course the first chapter includes the two things God's been repeating in my life right now. One is to trust that whatever happens to me is working for the good of Christ. The book goes through some of the Psalms and it starts with Psalm 1. Which talks about following Christ will ultimately lead to his glory and following the wicked will lead to our destruction. Its tough for me to focus on this because of that problem I told you about before... my pride. I so desperately want things to happen when I want it that I don't trust God's timing. Shame on me. Second thing God's trying to beat into me is his unconditional, unique, irreplaceable love. I want the people in my life to fulfill that desire for me. I want Daniel and my girls to satisfy the desire for someone to truly love me. But that is asking way too much of my friends and putting my perfect bridegroom (Jesus) in a small box. I know this is true. I know these are things I need to learn. From you, my friends, I ask for grace and for accountability and the sweet reminder that my God loves me and desires the best for me and of me.

But we want it...

As girls we are guilty of many things. We dream, we expect, and we want what we want when we want it. I, being a girl, know more than anyone that I have committed this crime more than once. I don't want to go into much detail because things are still a little tender but over the last few weeks I allowed my heart and mind to believe in something I had convinced myself was true. I let my mind wonder and run off to a place it desperately wanted to go but wasn't healthy for my reality. I realize now my faults and I see where I was wrong but at the time I was hurt. I was just so devastated and in desperate need of a friend. Seeing as it was 4 o'clock in the morning and I knew no one was awake or would climb in bed with me and just let me cry I went to the Lord. (Funny how he always makes me alone when I am at a low) Part of me doesn't get it, why would the Lord not give me whats on my heart. My dear sweet friend Heather reminded me the next day that its going to happen. The Lord wants to give us our hearts desires but he also a little better timing than we do. She is right. She is soo right but being the little girl I am I want what I want now. This all being said my Savior is teaching me patience and faith (two things I so desperately need). My prayer for us, as beautiful women, is that we take on a sense of peaceful patience that will restore our faith which is so easily lost during our temper tantrums.