But I aimlessly search...

I have realized lately how much I depend on the people around me. I depend on them to give me affirmation in our friendships, in my character, and in our daily lives. I depend on them to support me and stand up for me. I depend on them to be honest with me and truly just show me love. I am unsure what the Lord is doing right now but I know there have been many times lately where I have been disappointed by my friendships. Keep in mind I am not referring to all of my friendships because there are a couple people in my life that the Lord has just out done himself with and really put them in my life right at the clutch point, when I most desperately needed them. But yes there has been disappointment lately. Knowing that I can walk in a room and have no one talk to me is uneasy and uncomfortable. It is definitely a situation I am not used to and not comforted by. The Lord is throwing me out of my comfort zone. If I had a guess it would be because he wants me to depend on him more (which is probably right). I know I mentioned this is my last entry but I feel like I have been aimlessly, agonizingly, almost helplessly searching for something and the truth is he is right in front of me. I search and search for affirmation and for love and for something I can depend on. I think I am finally beginning to realize there is no need for me to search. My God is truly faithful. My God is truly honest. My God is truly loving. My God is what I need.

Psalms 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

And I sit in silence...

I haven't said anything in the past couple of weeks because I haven't had anything to say but I fear if I continue to say nothing I will lose myself. I have this issue with making my God small. I can not wrap my mind around his power, size, or grace therefore I treat him like I would anyone else. I pretend like I have this faith that is unbreakable but it is just a front like so many other things in my life. I can't trust people so I can't trust God. My pride tells me I know what is best and what is right and the Lord humbles me by hurling bricks at my heart (or so it feels that way). My worry is beginning to consume me. I worry about my future, my education, ASC as an organization, my friendships, my relationships, my finances, almost everything because I can not imagine the love my Lord has for me (the love without boundaries, without limits). In this world, in this country, in this era our "love" for one another comes with strings and limits. We "love" the ones we trust, the ones who are just like us, the ones who are nice, funny, pretty, entertaining. We love until we no longer trust, we love until we are no longer entertained, until we have heard all their jokes, until we no longer agree on things, until we find that we have loved enough. I am tired of living in a lot of pride and a little bit of faith. I am tired of having the Lord hurl bricks at my heart in order to get my attention and humble me. What is it going to take for me realize that what I have been searching for in my friendships, this love with no limit, is sitting right in front of me? Though I care about my friendships I will never be satisfied by a love that is conditional. So my prayer is that I can throw off my sins of selfishness, of pride, of faithlessness and realize the beautiful thing I have. Then in return I can learn to love others unconditionally, never putting them in a position to doubt my heart. Maybe just maybe unconditional love would change the world, better yet someone's life, because I know it would my own.

But you're beautiful...

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
Beautiful by Phil Wickham