And heres to the new year...

Wow, I can’t believe 2010 is already over! This post is a tribute to all that happened in the past year (not in any particular order)!    I…

1. bought my first car.
2. traveled across the world.
3. learned a little about humility.
4. lost a few friends.
5. drove an hour for Bar-B-Q with my roommates.
6. received a couple speeding tickets.
7. got engaged to my very best friend.
8. discovered the difference between happiness and joy.
9. fell in love with new music.
10. laughed til I cried.
11. sang at the top of my lungs.
12. failed to meet expectations.
13. slept on a strangers couch in a different country.
14. gave advice (both good and bad).
15. made mistakes.
16. went to a lot of aggie sporting events.
17. drove a wave runner.
18. made a few friends.
19. killed people on a video game.
20. hiked down (and back up) a mountain.
21. learned a life lesson.
22. drove to Colorado and back (ok, mainly just rode).
23. turned 21 which leads to #24.
24. became an adult.
25. watched my brother get married.
26. enjoyed a couple concerts.
27. went antique shopping.
28. watched the sunset.
29. shoved hundreds of forks into the ground.
30. bought $80 worth of stamps.
31. played at the beach.
32. found the most awesome blogs.
33. worried.
34. slept in a onesie.
35. experienced my first NBA game.
35. was surprised.
36. had a picnic.
37. played a lot of games which leads to #38.
38. won a lot of games.
39. attempted to work out.
40. had a few fashion shows with my best frans.
41. worked my tail off.
42. wasn’t appreciated.
43. let my guard down.
44. became a mac user.
45. made up songs with my fiancé.
46. bought a wedding dress.
47. prayed for selflessness.
48. took a lot of pictures.
49. made an A on a 20 page project.
50. LIVED!

I am seriously looking forward to the new experiences, mistakes, decisions, and joys to come in 2011! 

But it's Christmas time...

I had THAT feeling yesterday. THE Christmas feeling. Christmas brings up so many thoughts, memories and feelings that it takes me a while to get into the spirit of it all. But it is here. I can smell it in the hair. I can feel it with the warmth of a mug. It is time. It has been a few years since my Memaw passed away. One thing you should know about her is that besides Elvis her favorite thing in the world was Christmas. She would bake 15 different types of Christmas cookies (no exaggeration), wrap her presents with cute ornaments on each bow, and insist that we sing carols all together every single year. Truthfully, when she was alive Christmas was never really MY holiday. I don't know if it's her influence or if I am just more aware of what were celebrating but it is becoming My holiday. This holiday is about love. This holiday is about giving. This holiday is about the price He paid for me. What better thing is there to celebrate?

But be happy...

Its finals time and I can officially say I am done with this semester. But I realize some of you aren't so I thought maybe someone needs a pick me up. So here it is ladies and gents...

But I run the race for the least of these...

This post is for the distracted:

Coming into college I knew what I wanted to learn and it had nothing to do with school. I prayed that through the four (or 5) years in college the Lord would teach me how to have faith and patience. I asked for those things in particular because thats what I think embodies a woman after God's heart and because the key to patience is faith and the key to faith is patience. Judging by all of the times He has forced me to rely on Him, I think His answer was obvious.

It (meaning college) has been a long road and I can't help but to think I wasted so much of that time. I guess I kind of look at it like I am in this marathon, the end being the woman of God I desire to be, and God is on the side lines rooting me on the entire way. So much of my time in college was me skipping through this race. I focused a lot on the ups and downs, the cute boys running beside me, and the attention from the crowd. I can't imagine how God even felt while I was performing for the audience. I imagine it was something like Him holding His head in His hands whispering, "Come on Jodi. It isn't about them. It's about me. It's about me. It's about me."

This past semester has been a little different. I've noticed God's face in the crowd. But I feel like I am just standing there looking at Him, then at the finish line, then Him, then the finish line, then Him. It is improvement, yes, but I still have a ways to go, like probably 26 miles. I mean this is what my blog is about... running down the aisle to the LOVE of my life, my creator, my best friend. It is so easy to lose sight of that. So I am saying this with all honesty and with hopes of accountability... it starts now. I am done performing for the never satisfied crowd, I am ready to run.

But it's just my reminder...

This blog post is probably not important to any of you people reading it (assuming anyone actually reads this anymore). This is just a post to honestly pour into myself the things I need to be reminded of...


-For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


-Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30


-The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14


- ♪ I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me. I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness. ♪


-You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7


-You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8


-Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31


Dear Self, You are loved. You are loved by the King of Kings. Even in times of complete solitude and loneliness your God is there. You are never alone. He has plans for you to prosper and everything He does works together for your good. Your purpose here has nothing to do with you but everything to do with Him. John 3:30 says it best... He must become greater and you must become less. 

But I fall to my knees...

‘May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.’ Numbers 6:24-26

Today, I'd like to take time to mention some of the blessings in my life. 


Thursday morning my mom woke up and couldn't feel or mov the side of her face. She went to the hospital and they ran a lot of test. They think its something called Bell's Palsy. It has to do with the nerves and muscles in the side of your face being paralyzed or something. Nevertheless, she has been in the hospital ever since. My first instinct was obviously a scared time of questioning the Lord. I have seen this happen to a person before and recovery didn't begin to happen until a year later. But our job isn't to question the Lord. Our job is to fall to our knees in reverence and praise Him for He is the ultimate physician. Honestly, I wouldn't say this happening was a blessing, but blessings came from it. For example, a friend of mine, Caitlyn Holland, has been the most supportive person I know. I called her that night to tell her and her first reaction was can I ask people to pray for her. She has called and text me many times since just asking how things are going and how I am doing with this. I couldn't have asked for someone to care more. She is a blessing. 


More blessings the Lord has given me is someone to talk to about engagement stuff. I messaged my sweet married friend Melanie asking her tons of questions about the engagement process and how to handle it. Thankfully, she was honest and spoke so much truth into me. I have been praying for someone who truly understands to come into my life and the Lord was so gracious to give me that. Also, I have been getting dinner with a friend every Sunday. Bridget is so biblically intelligent and has been pouring wisdom into me. It has been nice to have those deep biblical conversations each week. 


Don't get me wrong the Lord has blessed me with many more things and people. It's just that these people stepped up at the right time, when I have been most vulnerable to the devil's lies, and for the truth they have spoken into me, I am grateful. 

And here are a few thoughts...

Let me preface this post by saying I am sick. I am at work but I can tell I am running a fever and I've got some sort of nose/ throat mess going on. With that being said, I apologize if this post is somewhat scatter brained or makes no sense. Here are just a few of my thoughts lately:

- At WIL group yesterday we sort of talked about how as christians we have lost our purpose. We go through our days with our busy schedule and we have goals like complete college, get good grades, be a good person. In all actuality our purpose here is to serve our God, bear fruit, and be a light to this broken world. Being a good person is a good thing that we should all strive for but that is not our purpose here. I just think it is so easy for us to lose sight of why we are here.

- Another thought is I am ready to be married. Yesterday night I really started to feel bad so Daniel came over and just scratched my back and read to me. It is really nice to have someone who I know will always care for me (and take care of me) when everyone is so busy. Daniel is such a servant (which makes me really excited to be able to serve him for the rest of my life).

- Also, it is totally not Christmas time yet. For all of you folks decorating and listening to christmas music you are forgetting a very important day. I know Christmas is exciting but you are jumping the gun. We still have to eat lots of food and watch a&m kick some UT butt. It's called Thanksgiving people.

But here are some blessings..

Its Thursday. Thursdays are rough for me because they are constantly busy. So today (during class) I decided to remind myself of some blessings from the Lord (aka cute puppies). So here are some of my favorites...

But today I will rejoice...

I've been re-reading through Job and it's been refreshing. It's been humbling thinking about all Job lost and reading his cry to the Lord. I am surrounded by a lot of people that I love but that hasn't silenced the insecurities of loneliness I have. There are just days when it seems like me against the world. But looking at Job and seeing how he lost all he had, makes my insecurities seem like a joke. His first instinct is to rip his shirt (aka grieve) fall to his knees and with tears in his eyes rejoice for the Lord is His Savior. My prayer is that in my times of suffering or loneliness my first instinct is to fall to my knees and praise my God for being my glorious savior. For my purpose in this world is to glorify my Lord, not to be glorified by this world.

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth." Job 19:25

But it's todays letters and today's needs...

Dear world, you are broken and it cannot be hidden. Dear Lord, continue to show me how much I need you. Give me your heart for this world. Dear BFWBBE (Bes Fran Wif Big Beautiful Eyes), I love you. I hope you know there are days when I find you absolutely beautiful and flawless (even in leggings). Im sorry my project from you know where got in the way of our laughter this week. Make up for it? Dear Daniel, Thank you for telling me when I am taking things out of proportion. Thank you for rejoicing with me when I succeed. Thank you for holding my hand while I cry to you with a broken heart. Thank you for being a Godly man ready to lead me. Dear Lord, all I need is you. Focus my heart and mind on living a life not of this world. Allow me to sell my worldly self, take up my cross, and follow you.

But no one warned me...

I always looked forward to being engaged. I mean I pretty much reminded Daniel that every day for like 4 months. It always seemed exciting and fun and I mean everyone loves a good wedding. Right?! I never thought much about how different people treat you once it happens. So many people want to know about it. They ask everything from "what flowers do you want" to "whats your colors" and of course "can I see the ring"... That is fun at first and don't get me wrong there are days when I love the attention but weddings are so much more than just colors and flowers and rings. No one has really asked the harder questions like "how do you feel about living with a boy" or "how do you feel about joining another family" or "are you nervous about trying to be the perfect wife". I feel like I have been engaged long enough to be over the exciting smaller details and now I am more into the oh my gosh Daniel and I need to learn how to communicate better stage. I know marriage is tough and I know Daniel and I will make it through but I am so scared about the times where I will fail him as a wife. I am so nervous about the first time I disappoint him, but no one really ever asks about those things. I didn't think about how me being engaged would affect my friends who are seriously dating someone or my friends who aren't dating anyone. I can't imagine how that makes them feel and they can't imagine how I feel. Don't get me wrong being engaged to Daniel is incredible and I enjoy the simpler conversations. I enjoy wedding decorating, I swear. That doesn't replace my need for deep conversations though. I do have fears and I do have worries. I know everything will never be perfect, that's kind of why I worry. Part of me can't wait to be his wife but part of me doesn't want to grow up. It's weird and it's something you won't understand until you are in this place, I guess. I don't know I guess my two biggest fears are that I will look back on this year and regret not taking advantage of the support of girls I have around me and that I will fail Daniel as a wife. Discovery of the week: being engaged is not all easy Barbie and Ken moments.

I know a lot of that was me just rambling on and I am sorry if you got nothing out of it. I think I just needed to admit these fears, issues and concerns out loud (aka on computer). Thx for listening.

But every morning sunrise says...

Maybe I have shared these lyrics before, maybe not (I can't remember). I know I need to hear them again so maybe you do too.

Matthew 11:28-30 ²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

See you down there everyday
Trying to find a different way
To build some kind of latter to the sky
Trying to find some way to see
Secrets of eternity, and they don’t come all at once
And you don’t know why
Well how do you think it feels to hear you screaming out my name
While all the while I’m trying to open up your heart
See you when you cry yourself to sleep
It’s tearing me apart

I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you

I know that you’re waiting for,
A chance to come in from the war
If only a moment, if only a day
A place where you feel safe and warm
A sanctuary from the storm
Until all of these questions fade away
But I cannot count on all the signs
You’ve passed away as mere coincidence
And im running out of ways to break through
Like a lonely lover, Waiting by the ocean
Ill never give up on you

I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
Don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you

Madly in love with you by Sean McConnell

And you warm my heart...

These are a few things that make me smile just thinking about them.

And I choose to live...

This is the sneak peak Ryan sent us. We absolutely love it and can't wait to see the rest of our engagement pictures.

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

-Dawna Markova

And He set me apart...

I know what I want for Christmas/ 1/2 birthday....

I WANT TO BE SPECIAL!

(Special - adjective: being a particular one)

But come home it's not too late...

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

But he loves us...

I had some beautiful time this morning just being reminded of how much my God loves me. I watched a link on the inspiration behind How He Loves by John Mark McMillan and I instantly felt God's love pour over me. In his video John talks about how the love he's singing about isn't a pretty clean love but it's a love thats willing to love things that are messy and difficult. It's a love thats not afraid of the gross disgusting things like myself. My last blog talked about my tar-filled heart and so this song just really speaks to me. Our God is willing to love someone as dirty and filthy, as messed up and broken as me. That is a love worth singing about.

I challenge you to remind yourself how much our God loves you today. Watch the sunset, write down all your blessings, do whatever you have to but allow the Lord to swoon you today.

If you want to know the story behind this song here is the link I watched.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NXWE6AC8ao&feature=related

But He longs for me...

This weekend was ASC retreat and I really enjoyed it. The speaker spoke about how we are all sinners and what that looks like. She made a comment that so often we think of sin as adultery or lying or murder (which they are) but we forget about the inward stuff. Sin can also be an attitude of the heart, some examples include: jealousy, bitterness, anxiety, fear, depression, pride. This kind of hit hard for me. I can think of an instance I have fallen to every single one of these within the past week alone. I think if someone says that these aren't something they struggle with they aren't exactly being honest with themselves. Lets be real with ourselves, we are dirty and filthy and filled with sin. I heard it described once as if we were to think of all of our mistakes and sin and imagine what our hearts would look like. I know mine would probably look like it had been set on fire and then covered with tar. I am a pretty broken person. I have a lot of sin and mistakes that I don't want people to know about. The truth is the one person that matters knows it all. God knows every single sin I have made. He knows what my heart looks like.

The best part about this lesson comes when we realize that even though God knows what our hearts look like (tar filled and all) He still loves and wants us. He longs for us and desires to have a relationship with us.

This goes along with the title of this blog. I mentioned it before but it is a line from the song "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb. It says, "I am a whore I do confess, I put you on like a wedding dress and I run down the aisle to you." So many times we run from God and when we decide to go back He is always there waiting for us with open arms. Why is it that we give ourselves to so many other things than come back to our Savior? We put Him on like a wedding dress and become white as snow again. We treat the creator of the world like crap and yet He still loves us the same. We have the opportunity to have a beautiful love story. My challenge for you (and myself especially) is to pursue the Lord and find joy in your romantic comedy with the Lord.

But it's only for a moment...

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

But were labeled...

I haven't had a lot to say over the past month but I finally found something worth saying, so here it goes.

I am sick and tired of people labeling me. I thought labeling people ended when you graduate high school but now I am starting to think it will never end. Here are some examples of the labels that have been forced upon me: the engaged girl, the girl who makes C's, the girl who is on exec, the girl who answers phones, the "goody goody", etc. All these things are pretty accurate but when you label someone, you are defining them to one thing. If I have to be labeled something, I want to label myself. I don't want to be the fiance or the receptionist. I want to be the girl who is in love with her God. I want to be the girl who never stops showing God's mercy and love. I want to give grace as freely as it has been given to me. I don't just want to be labeled a Christian. I want to be the splitting image of my Father. So if you are going to define me in one way, define me as the girl who is in love with her maker.

And Thursday has been a little rough...

Dear BINGO BINGO, Thursday has been kinda rough to me but you have the opportunity to make it better. Just sayin'. Dear Daniel, you showed me true love this morning when you fed me my sausage biscuit because I was too tired (lazy) to pick it up and put it to my mouth. Thank you for loving me through my exhaustion and emotional times. Dear professor, you hold us over by at least 10 minutes every class. Don't expect me to stay late if you show up 20 minutes late to class. You're a joke. Oh, also I think you were lying when you said your son knew what the word masticate meant going into kindergarten. Dear Lord, day after day my insecurities take over my thoughts and day after day I lose sight of your importance. Quiet these insecurities and allow me to be confident in our relationship. Remind me when I feel all alone that you are holding me. And give me your heart for the lost and broken.

And its 9/13/10...

I try so hard to be very transparent in this blog. I try and explain my struggles and my triumphs, but right now I have nothing to say. I know what I am struggling with and I know that I would like to be honest with you (assuming someone is reading this) but I have nothing coming to words.

Dear Lord, give me a confident hope in you. Allow me to feel your presence and see you at work in my life. Quiet the devils whispers and hold me a while.

But I look forward...

Wow, this week was busy and my weekend is only going to be more crazy. (This weekend will be filled with things I want to do rather than school, though, so it trumps this week by far.)

My roommates and I are reading "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. I am very excited about this. I read the first chapter and loved it. I am ready to talk to the girls about it and dig further in. I think there is a lot I can learn from this book.

Dear professor, you are mean. You are just flat out a big bully. You point people out in class and announce to the entire room how dumb they are and I do not like it. This is not making you look any better. And as for pointing out to the entire class how big the rock on my finger is, I was embarrassed and did not like the attention. If you could just teach and stop picking on people maybe you would finish on time and not make us go over by 10 minutes, resulting in me being late to work. Dear weekend, you are going to be so much fun. Engagement party, football game, WIL group leader retreat! Wooo I almost can't hold in my excitement. Dearest Daniel, I love you more than ever. Thanks for taking care of me. Dear Jesus, I am ready to be like David. I am ready to give you my battles so you can concur my Goliath's. I am ready to be centered on you. Dear Pride, you have got to go. Dear Ego, get yourself in check. Dear roomies, thanks for helping me with this party and the wedding and everything. Thanks for being interested. Thanks for caring. Thanks for being so awesome. I love you more than smore poptarts on a thursday night on boochy. (And I am sure you know how BIG that is)

But bring me peace...

Dear Lord, My prayer right now is that I really find peace in John 16:33. There are a lot of things I am struggling with right now and I am finding it hard to simply be at peace. Calm my heart and my thoughts and give me a sense of serenity. Dear woman at work, I know you are excited about getting a new car but you are talking very loud. This room echos and your voice is about to give me an anxiety attack. So if you could just use your inside voice I would really appreciate. Dear fiance, I love you. Were down to like 269 days and were about to have our engagement party. This is unreal. I am so excited for the rest of our lives. Dear Big Brother, I cannot wait to watch you tonight. To say I love you would be an understatement. Dear rain, I really love you and our grass really needs you. What would make you really awesome is if you would stop coming down harder every time I leave a building. Dear roomies, I look forward to our Sunday night time bible study time. I cant wait to grow with you both. Love you ladies a lot. Dear new head band (seen in picture above), I really like you a lot. Thanks for giving my head a little bit of bedazzle tonight!

But its nothing special...

Dear Sprinkles cupcakes, I want you real bad right now, especially you Mr. chocolate and marshmallow cupcake. Dear sweet savior, I need discernment. I would love to know where you want me in the future. If you want to give me a shout out on that, it'd be real cool. Dear tuesday, wednesday, and thursday, if you could fly on by and get to friday when I have no class and just get to sit around. That'd be THE bomb. Dear smore pop-tart, you are so tasty in my mouth. I think I will eat your little friend too. Dear chapter I need to read by tomorrow at 8, I would really appreciate it if you could read yourself and let me know whats up so I can watch the bachelor pad. K? Thx.

And nothing is impossible for you...

Dear caring fiance, you have such a big heart. Thank you for reassuring me of my importance and the love you have for me. Dear self, try and not forget your song while you're in the desert. You have a faithful God, so trust Him. Dear Hosanna, give me the patience and peace to wait on you and when you're ready show me the plans you have for me.

♪ but you put food in my body

fill water in my dried bed

and to my blackened branches

You brought the springtime

Green of new life

And nothing is impossible for you ♪

And its another day...

Dear gracious father, I am desperately searching for where you want me. I need your help because I cant figure it out on my own. Dear hypothetically Daniel's yard, If I were to hypothetically have forked you then my wrist would hypothetically be hurting right now because you are very hard dirt. You need some water. Dear tomorrow, I really don't want to work so if you could go by fast I would love you forever. Dear Texas A&M football team, every year I get excited for opening day. Please do not let me down. Dear Mr. Morrow, hypothetically if you were the target of a prank I am sorry. BUT I love you and cannot wait to spend forever with you. Dear sleep, I hear you calling my name and I am answering!

But there will be a light...

Dear sweet Savior, my heart is hurting for the broken. The other day I was reminded that even though I live in this place called "the bible belt" some have never heard. Lord, show me the poor, the widow, the orphan, the broken, the lost and give me the courage to not be silent. Dear friend, I know you're hurting, for what it means I am praying for you daily. I am praying for your strength, courage and your beautiful heart. Dear biological father and mother, I know you are giving up a lot for me and my wedding. Your sacrifice means the world and is appreciated. Dear readers (if I have any), thank you for reading. It means a lot to me. Dear future hubby, you treat me like a princess. You treat me with respect. You treat me like I matter. Your love for me is very evident (to everyone). Thank you for loving me. Dear friday, thank you for not having any class. You are whats keeping me sane. Dear big 'ole rock on my finger, thank you for being so purrty and representing something so beautiful. Dear bad bad devil, I refuse to be complacent anymore. I refuse to let you win. I refuse to be silent. Bring. It. On.

And bring on the joys...

Dear friend with the middle name "Christ in a stable", when I left for work you were sleeping on our bed couch, mouth slightly open and all, if I was a man I would want to wake up to that every day. Thanks for being my bess frin. Dear self, good job reading 150 pages today. Just for that we will ignore the fact that you will have consumed 5 Dr.Peppers by the end of tonight. Dear future hubby, right now you are probably at the church getting ready for youth group. I adore your heart for the "almost-not-baby-but-still-supported-by-parent-generation". Your heart is B-I-G and I like it! Dear friend H. Polleson :), your unhealthy love for cardigans was apparently contagious cause I caught that fever. Also, today when we were hanging our key hook with the chub chub birds on the wall you told me I am very handy. That compliment made my day. thanky. thanky. Dear fiance, you still owe me 11 presents from our bet. I am thinking a puppy would do (see picture above).

And it's a letter of love...

Hallie Miller, my lovely roommate, maid of stinkin' honor and soul(friend)mate, showed me the most precious blog. Read a few ---> http://www.todaysletters.com/

The amount of love this couple shows is beautiful and inspiring. If everyone loved like these 2 do the world would be a little more like our wonderful creator made it to be. So this post (and probably many more) is greatly inspired by and in honor of The Loerke's, 2 people I do not know, but reminded me what love should look like.

Dear Precious Roomies, I couldn't have better roommates. If it weren't for my loving fiance and his desire to spend the rest of his life with me, I would sit around on our living room bed forever watching trashy shows with you until the day we die. Dear Calendar, you give me anxiety every time I look at you, but I love that you are color coded. Dear fiance, comparative politics is already my favorite class this semester, not because its awesome because I promise it's not, but because I get to see you in my peripheral vision for an hour every other day. Dear Jesus, you love me and redeemed me and saved me and I have NO idea why, but thanks times a billion!

And this is my heart cry...

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

But I will rejoice...

I am learning a lot right now. Some of the knowledge I am acquiring is deep and meaningful, some not so much. I would love to take time to go deeper into everything but there isn't enough time. There is never enough time though, right? Anyway here is just a little insight to the things I am learning. Maybe, just maybe, you can learn something.

-God's timing is perfect. That means his timing is better than mine (and yours). I think that is evident in the relationship I am in. You see, I have wanted to get married for a long time now. I am talking about 9 years of imagining my wedding type of thing. My time in high school and college was spent searching for "Mr.Right". Finally, sophomore year of college God and I had a heart to heart and I just gave it to the Lord. A month later I was going on a date with my future husband. My point is God's timing is perfect.

-Wedding's are expensive, stressful and exciting.

-The best thing about being engaged is being able to pray with Daniel. I strongly believe prayer is something intimate and Daniel and I wanted to wait until we were engaged/ married to pray together. I mean we would pray before a meal when we were dating but it is nothing like sitting there praying over our relationship together. It is easily the best part of our relationship.

-Everything isn't about me. I have an issue where I am often times self-centered. I think my prayer for myself over this year is that I become more God centered. If I cared less about myself, maybe the Lord could use me more. I mean my desire is to be a vessel for the Lord and I think a lot of the time I stand in the way of that.

-I have some of the best friends ever! To see how excited they got for me, when we got engaged, was a blessing. It was reassuring of how much they cared for me and our friendships. What a blessing it is to have them (y'all) in my life.

-It is time I begin to sing my song in this desert place. Last Sunday our preacher spoke over Exodus 15. It's a song Moses and the Israelites sang in the desert place. Dr. Higgs talked about the importance of singing in the desert and rejoicing in our sorrows. I think it really hit home to me because when I am "in the desert place" I like to roll around in my self pity. So many times I forget to rejoice. I kind of feel bad that God has to listen to me whine and complain. He deserves so much praise, even when I am low, even when I am without water.

The Desert Song by Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

And you are the love of my life...

Yesterday, was Daniel's dad's birthday so we made plans for Daniel to pick me up from work and we would go eat with his family. So, come 7 o'clock I got in his car and he told me there had been a change of plans and I needed to shut my eyes. I laughed and told him no and he said, "Jodi I can blindfold you or you can shut your eyes". I finally agreed to just keep my eyes closed and he began to drive. After about ten minutes the car came to a stop, he told me open my eyes. There we were in the parking spot at my old apartment building where we spent numerous hours talking, getting to know each other better, and trying to figure out if we should date or not. He looked at me and told me that parking spot was where our relationship became official and real. He talked about how that was the place he really started to fall for me. You see, Daniel and I really struggled with timing and whether or not we should date when we were first talking. I know we were both in prayer constantly over whether the timing was right or not because we were going to be intwo different places for that summer and our lives were already so crazy. In that parking spot we decided to follow our hearts and trust that the Lord knew what he was doing with the timing. Anyways, then he put a rubberband on my ring finger and asked me to close my eyes again. After about 5 minutes he had me open my eyes and we were at Chili's. He talked about how this was the place we would always go on little lunch dates and that was where our friendship grew.He talked a little more about our friendship and then took off the rubberband and put on a metal ring like a small keychain thing. He made me close my eyes again until we arrived at a friends old house (well down the street from it but close enough). He talked about how that was the house we had our very first date (which if you do not know our story I had no idea I was on a date but I guess it all worked out). It was a halloween costume party (date party don't forget). We showed up that night and there were tons of couples there all dressed like each other, which I was not prepared for. Daniel talked about how this waswhere he saw how I can gracefully handle awkward situations (hahaha). He said this is where thesparks flew and this all began. Then, he replaced the metal ring with my Memaw's old wedding ring (except the diamond was missing). That was so special to me because myMemaw meant the world to me and she left me her wedding ring when she passed away. So I closed my eyes and shortly the car came to a stop and he got out. He came around got me out of the car walked me a few steps and told me open my eyes. I opened my eyes to see us standing in the parking lot where we first met for impact (incoming freshman christian camp at A&M). He didn't waste too much time there after he talked about how we met and claims he schooled me in four square (which we know isn't true). Then he just got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife (it was obvious he was slightly nervous). And I said YES! So he replaced my Memaw's wedding ring with a very beautiful engagement ring. It's a round cut solitaire (the diamond being the one from my Memaw's ring). Everything was so perfect for me, the proposal the ring, HIM!

I woke up this morning in disbelief. The beautiful ring on my finger quickly reassured me it wasn't a dream. I am engaged to the love of my life. I know we're young but honestly this is the most God centered relationship I have ever been in. He is nothing I was looking for, because he is more than I could imagine.

(Also I would like to shout out to the beautiful ladies who helped Daniel. Even though you are all secret keepers, I love you for it!)

But they will never know, that I will never forget...

I have always lived by the assumption that if I do not leave my mark on people, if I do not change lives, I have failed at truly living. I don't know how many lives I have touched or how many people could honestly say their lives would be worse off had I not been born. I don't think that is something I will ever know but I have come to peace with that. I may never see the harvest of the seeds I plant today but the God I serve is faithful.

I have images of the children from the communities, in Zambia, stuck in my head. Faces that I can't seem to forget, of children I may never see again, are running through my head. These children have planted seeds of hope in my heart. They have planted seeds that will change my character into a better woman God. Thats something they will never know. So, I have hope. Hope, that I am planting seeds, despite not seeing the harvest.

But I know now...

It's friday evening and camp is officially over. This morning was the "JOY party", where the kids get their blessing boxes and dance around and just have fun for a while. It was incredible to watch these kids, who were emotionless and dead at the beginning of the week, turn into these joyful children, dancing and singing to their Lord. My girls loved the blessing boxes and were so grateful for everything they were given. I worried at the beginning of this trip that the Lord brought me out here to tell me this wasn't where he wanted me anymore, but I think this was a sweet way to show me this part of my life is coming to an end. Don't get me wrong I love Zambia and I think Camp Life is incredible. I know the Lord had me here the past 3 summers for a reason (that reason being for my benefit and the children I had in my groups). I learned a lot about myself and about how much the Lord truly loves me, this year. I find it interesting that He had to bring me half way across the world to teach me how to depend on Him and show me how much He truly cares for me.

I know now that my journey doesn't end when I board the plane to America. He has big things in store for me and I am excited about being a vessel for Him in the states. I know now that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

And today I am still tired...

So, I woke up feeling about the same this morning but I went to camp anyway. I am thinking now it was a bad idea because it was very cold and windy today, so I am only feeling more exhausted. I met 13 of the 15 girls I have this week and they are precious. They range from 8 (which I really think is more around the age of 6) to 16. I got 9 blessing times done. A blessing time is just a one-on-one time where I learn about the child's situation. So my smallest girl Freida (who claims to be 8) was very difficult to get to open up. I asked her question after question and she would take her sweet time thinking before she spoke. So I wasn't surprised when she took her time to answer, when I asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" After a long pause she replied, "white". HAHAH Yes she understood the question, apparently, that is what she wants to be. Like always prayers are needed and appreciated. Nakuyewa Nikukondani Maningi (I miss you and love you all a lot).

But today I am tired...

I woke up today feeling awful. My immune system is like non-existent. I have a lot of sinus drainage stuff going on, so not only is it making my nausea worse but now my glands are swollen. I laid in bed all day. Kailee said she saw my girls I have this week and some of them are from last year. She said they added some young girls to my group too so I am hoping I will feel good enough to go tomorrow. I hate being sick in a different country. There isn't anyone to really take care of me so its difficult. I am ready to feel better. Prayers are needed and welcomed.

And the new week begins...

Well today was church day and then market day. Church and the market were both successful. Later today we received our zambian partners for the week. Well, some of the Americans only get one of their partners because the other one isn't coming until Monday. I was one of those Americans this week, so my main zambian partner wasn't there. My backup partner and I met together when I would've normally met with my main partner. His name is Shadreck and he speaks very little English. It was miserable to be honest. It is really difficult to get to know someone when they speak a different language. I feel like the devil is just doing everything he can to put me down this trip. Tonight at dinner (during the testimony time) a guy stood up and said that his motto for the week and suggestion for everyone is to "focus on what it means to be faithful today". I guess that is my only hope and the only thing keeping me going at this moment. I am not ready for the week right now. I am exhausted and tired and ready for working toilets, showers, and American food. Nakuyewani maningi (I miss you all very much).

But were called out of our comfort zones...

So I thought today was going to be a relaxing Saturday but instead a few of the younger people decided to go to the 20 and under national Zambian soccer game. There were about 15 of us muzungus (white people) with a huge zambian flag we carried. Lets just say more people watched us than the game. We stood in the section with the drunks who were smoking something questionable and blowing their vuvuzelas and playing bongos really loud. It was so far out of my comfort zone I cannot even explain the anxiety I was having. I am glad I did it because it's a crazy experience to have but it definitely wasn't the relaxing day I expected.

And with JOY there will be healing...

Today was the last day of camp for week 7. The theme this year is JOY. Earlier in the week we talked to the kids about J- for Jesus, O- for others, and today was Y- for you. So today was the day we gave them bags that had their blessing boxes in them along with a bag of sugar, mealy meal and cooking oil. The blessing boxes had a beanie baby, a sheet of stickers, a bar of soap, a tube of lotion, an eraser, a pencil sharpener, 5 pencils, 2 pens, a ruler, a bracelet, and a gummy snack. I know to Americans these all seem like such simple things but the JOY that these goods brought was unrealistic. Each of my boys looked over all of their stuff for like an hour, they were so amazed. When it was time to leave they took the bandanas they received the day before and covered up the stuff in the bag. I asked my partner if that was because they thought someone would take it in the community and they said yes. The thought of having to hide my pencils, so no one will take them, is so unimaginable. When they went to load the buses one of the boys, Steven (14 years old) began to cry because he was so sad he would not get to spend more time with me. These boys are just so incredible and have taken a special place in my heart. Thank you if you had any part in helping me get here through financing me or prayers. You are very much appreciated. Continue to pray for my boys as they return to their community, that they will remember Jesus, Others, You. Also, I ask that you continue to pray for me. I am having issues with sickness and such and so I ask that you keep me in mind. Zikomo (Thank you). Nikukondani (I love you all).

And its shoe day...

Camp day 4 is always crazy, because its shoe day. Shoe day is crazy because we give every camper a new pair of shoes and then go into the community of the kids in our group and watch them witness to the people in their community. Well I was told at the beginning of today that I would get to see Moses (my sponsor child) at the community resource center (that of course made me so excited). So getting all the kids shoes was super difficult because they ran out of sizes 6 to 10 before my group of boys got in there. Half of my boys had fitting shoes at the end and the other half had shoes that were at least 2 sizes too big or girl shoes. One of my kids wears a size 7 and had to get size 11 shoes. So needless to say it was slightly stressful. Once shoes were done we loaded the buses for the different communities. On our way to Chawama (the community my boys were from) they told us we weren’t going to stop at the CRC (community resource center) because it was too far and we didn’t have enough time. My heart instantly dropped because I knew I was going to get to see Moses but I tried to not let it show. So we went through Chawama spreading the Gospel and Gods Joy. The Americans and Zambian staff returned back to the bus and said good by to our kids. We got back on the bus and they told us we had to stop by the CRC to drop off the kids. Once we got there I saw Moses walk out the door and so I yelled his name and he came running towards me with open arms. Note: Moses is a 16 year old boy so watching him run towards me was so heart warming. So we started talking and I asked if he had fun at camp week 4 when he came and he said yes but I cried everyday because I didn’t have you Auntie Jodi. OH MY GOSH my heart nearly hit my stomach. I was like ME TOO Moses, me too! So I got to spend about 15 minutes with him, which was glorious. I told him I would write him more letters and he was like good I like them very much. It was a sad good bye but I am very grateful for the time I got. Pray for me as I go into the last day of this week’s camp. The last day is always the craziest and I really need energy. Nikukondani maningi (I love you very much).

And its camp day 2...

So day 2 of camp I felt a little better. I had a pretty good day. Moses, my sponsor child still wasn’t at camp so I asked Holly about it and she said he came week 4 because he was in the database more than once. That’s so disheartening to hear because he is MY boy, but she said she will try to get him at camp this week at least one day. I guess that is all I can ask for. I am just trying to enjoy the boys I do have. Today in the big season (which is where all of the groups come together and hear a message) I saw another woman breast-feeding her child. I am talking about in the middle of big group with everyone in the room. Needless to say I was still awked out by it. So anyway today was better continue praying for my fellow American counselors, my boys, and me. Tonight, I started feeling bad again. They auctioned off a 6-pack of dr.pepper tonight. A man bought them for $120. He gave me one. I am forever grateful. Buuuut now I have a tummy ache. Zikomo (thank you). Nikukondoni (I love you all)!

And your prayers are needed...

Well, it was the first day of camp today. I woke up at 7a.m. not feeling good but I didn’t want to complain and so I toughed it out, ate breakfast, got dressed, and left for camp. Monday mornings at camp kind of suck because it takes around half of the day to get your kids. Once, I got to camp I started feeling worse and worse. So before I even got my kids I left to go back to the villa because I just couldn’t take my nausea. So I slept for like 3 hours back at the villas and then went back to camp and noticed I had my boys this week. BUT only 4 of my boys from last year were here and I got 11 new ones. Moses (my precious boy I sponsor) is not at camp and I am pretty torn up about it. So today was really hard and I am frustrated. It’s difficult because to be honest Moses was the only reason I came back. I know that sounds terrible and I know God does everything for a reason but it is difficult to be in this circumstance. Continue sending your prayers my way. Nikukondoni (I love you all).

And the journey begins...

Today Kailee read one of her letters someone wrote her and it talked about how psalms 118 is the middle of the bible and how psalms 117 is the shortest book and psalms 119 is the longest chapter in the bible. I know the Lord has a reason for everything so I made Kails read 118 to me. It talked about God’s steadfast love and how it endures forever. No wonder he made it the center of the bible. If we center our lives on the fact that God’s love for us is supreme and endless, our lives will be changed forever. Psalm 118:14 says “The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory”. That is my prayer right now. It is so easy for me to be on this emotional roller coaster while I am here (in Zambia if you didn’t already know). It’s tough. I enjoy walking out of my house and knowing how and where I am going but here I have to go by someone else’s schedule and ride a big blue bus to get everywhere. We get our kids tomorrow at camp so I know it will all be worth it then but right now I am jetlagged and exhausted. So this is my prayer, Lord, you are my strength and my song. I know I am victorious in you alone. Tonight we got our Zambian partners (translators). Its kind of a big deal everyone comes together and they call your name and your partners name you stand up meet each other and talk for like 30 minutes then go back inside to do some camp songs and dances. Well my partner is very talkative. Her name is Monde (pronounced moan-day, yes sounds a lot like Monday). She is really funny; she informed me that she only dates white men (I held back my laughter at that point). Anyway when we finished talking and praying together we went back in the big room to sing and dance. I look back to see all of the other Americans with their partner and see Mrs. Utz (my stand in mother for the trip) with her partner. Her partner was a middle-aged woman who was breast-feeding her child right in front of everyone. Yep, apparently it’s normal here (of course I was unable to hold my laughter in at that point).Tomorrow we get our kids and I am ready. Be praying for me and Monde and our kids. I know the Lord has set aside a special, unique group of kids for us and I want to make sure I am allowing the Lord to speak through me so these kids can get the most out of camp.

Thanks for your prayers and emails. Love you all.

But its called faith...

Sitting through our 10 hour lay-over I can officially say we made it to London safely. I hate airports and airplanes tend to give me a little anxiety (not because I think were going to crash or get hijacked but more because of the small space, terrible food and lack of sleep I tend to get). This time was no exception, I got no more than an hour of sleep. So I have been awake for like 21 hours now and I am feeling the exhaustion. I am sitting at Maddie's friends flat in London absolutely dreading getting on another flight. Needless to say I would love your prayers (we would love your prayers). We need sleep and energy and sanity and your prayers would be greatly appreciated. This being my 3rd year, you would think I would be used to this. I mean traveling to Zambia is not something new to me. Depending on Christ shouldn't be something new to me. I wish it was natural but I guess thats not exactly faith is it? Anyway this is me rambling because I cant focus my thoughts. So here's me saying I am safe in London attempting to depend on my loving Father.

But I want more...

My loving boyfriend and I were having a conversation the other day that has been lingering in my head and my heart for a few days now. We were talking about friendship and I said something about not having any friends, an exaggeration yes. Please understand I know I have friends but I am a dramatic girl who has felt quite lonely this summer. Anyway, I said something about not having any friends and his reply was "its not that you don't have any friends its just your definition of a friend is different than most everyone else". I didn't have to ask him to explain because he quickly began saying that most people call acquaintances friends but when I call someone a friend, I mean something way different. He said I mean someone who will drop whatever they're doing to hang out with me and someone who accepts me for me and someone who legitimately cares about me. The subject of our conversation changed but this stuck with me for some reason and over the past few days I have just sat with it. My initial thought was, well Daniel knows me very well. My second thought was, does that make me a selfish person? Am I selfish because I want a friend who wants to be my friend and who wants to hang out with me? I will admit I have a lot of flaws but I cannot convince myself this is one of them. So my next thought went straight to my insecurities. I have had a lot of people tell me I seem very confident and that kind of surprises me. I am a very insecure person, apparently I hide it well, but I do have my insecurities and my friendships are towards the top of that list. I hate that, but it's the truth. I know its dumb, but I worry if the friendships I am making will last. I worry that if I died today I could count the people on my hands that would cry and those would be family members and Daniel. I know friends who if they called me and said I need you now I wouldn't question where they were or how long it took me to get there or what I was doing I would go and I question how many people would do that for me. That sounds depressing, I know, but this is supposed to be a place where I share my dirt and my filth and in this case my insecurities. Deep down were all insecure about something, judge if you want, but this is mine.

And your beloved needs you now...

I have felt kind of lonely in College Station lately. Its just not the same without your best friends, you know? I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy the friends that are here but its something about walking into your living room and talking to your roommates about your day and them knowing everything you have been going through. Instead, I walk into a lonely house that still needs a lot of unpacking. Anyways, I am reading this book called "Jesus Wants to Save Christians". I came to a part in the book that asks the question "What are the moments that have shaped you the most". Then it goes on to say its periods of transformation, when your eyes are opened, when you're forced to cry out to the Lord because you're at the end of your rope, that you typically grow the most. Gosh, its so true. I mean lets take a look at my life. The first thing that pops up is changing churches right before 9th grade year, I learned a lot about the politics of the church and what a church family should look like. Then, I think about not making officer for my dance line the first time I tried out. Had I made it the first ear I guarantee my ego and pride would've made me a horrible leader but instead the humility prepared me for the next year when I did make it. Then, I think about all of the relationships in my life that never worked out. Though, it was not fun going through break ups or losing friends, I learned something about myself from all of them. The book states "For many people, it was their cry, their depression, their acknowledgment of their oppression, that was the beginning of their liberation. When we're on top, when the system works for us, when we are capable of managing our lives, what is there for God to do?" I have somehow convinced myself it is possible for me to be in control of my life. What a joke right? And though, I am not thanking Him now, I know I will thank our God soon, because what he has in store for me is far greater than my imagination. Right now is tough, right now I am struggling, right now I just wish one of my girls were in College Station and knew what was going on in my life, but I know my God is drawing me nearer and I trust that this is a growing time for me. So, I cry out to my Creator.

And all to Him I owe...

The sermon at church yesterday was about one word in Romans 1:1. "doulos", meaning slave. Paul opens Romans up with saying "This letter is written by Paul, a slave of Jesus Christ...". Our pastor began talking about how if we all took on the nature of a slave the world could potentially be changed. Then he went on to discuss the characteristics of a slave. He names 3 things a servant of Christ knows how to do: 1. give, 2. live, 3. forgive.

Giving is about putting aside our selfish nature. Its about ignoring ourselves and focussing on the Lord. Then Dr. Higgs said, its time we stop saying I will do things for MY way to look out for MY best interests. Instead, we should be saying I will do things HIS way to look out for HIS best interests. This really hit hard. How many times a day do I say the words I, me, my, myself, etc? I am so self focused that I am ignoring my task at hand, which is to further the Kingdom of God.

Then Dr. Higgs made a comment about slaves essentially gauging their ears, to show everyone that they were someones slave for life and could not be traded or bought. So that led me to the thought, how do people know I am the Lord's servant? Or do people even know that at all? The Lord so graciously bought me a very long time ago. He paid the price for my sins and now I am eternally His. Yet, I am sure there are people out there who have no idea because I forget to wear it daily.

He ended his sermon saying, "I am a slave of Christ. What are you a slave to?" That is one of those times where you get a good gut check. Its tough to see where we fall short, but its time I begin to let the world know. I am taken. I have been paid for. I am eternally His servant.