And I sit in silence...

I haven't said anything in the past couple of weeks because I haven't had anything to say but I fear if I continue to say nothing I will lose myself. I have this issue with making my God small. I can not wrap my mind around his power, size, or grace therefore I treat him like I would anyone else. I pretend like I have this faith that is unbreakable but it is just a front like so many other things in my life. I can't trust people so I can't trust God. My pride tells me I know what is best and what is right and the Lord humbles me by hurling bricks at my heart (or so it feels that way). My worry is beginning to consume me. I worry about my future, my education, ASC as an organization, my friendships, my relationships, my finances, almost everything because I can not imagine the love my Lord has for me (the love without boundaries, without limits). In this world, in this country, in this era our "love" for one another comes with strings and limits. We "love" the ones we trust, the ones who are just like us, the ones who are nice, funny, pretty, entertaining. We love until we no longer trust, we love until we are no longer entertained, until we have heard all their jokes, until we no longer agree on things, until we find that we have loved enough. I am tired of living in a lot of pride and a little bit of faith. I am tired of having the Lord hurl bricks at my heart in order to get my attention and humble me. What is it going to take for me realize that what I have been searching for in my friendships, this love with no limit, is sitting right in front of me? Though I care about my friendships I will never be satisfied by a love that is conditional. So my prayer is that I can throw off my sins of selfishness, of pride, of faithlessness and realize the beautiful thing I have. Then in return I can learn to love others unconditionally, never putting them in a position to doubt my heart. Maybe just maybe unconditional love would change the world, better yet someone's life, because I know it would my own.