But I want more...

My loving boyfriend and I were having a conversation the other day that has been lingering in my head and my heart for a few days now. We were talking about friendship and I said something about not having any friends, an exaggeration yes. Please understand I know I have friends but I am a dramatic girl who has felt quite lonely this summer. Anyway, I said something about not having any friends and his reply was "its not that you don't have any friends its just your definition of a friend is different than most everyone else". I didn't have to ask him to explain because he quickly began saying that most people call acquaintances friends but when I call someone a friend, I mean something way different. He said I mean someone who will drop whatever they're doing to hang out with me and someone who accepts me for me and someone who legitimately cares about me. The subject of our conversation changed but this stuck with me for some reason and over the past few days I have just sat with it. My initial thought was, well Daniel knows me very well. My second thought was, does that make me a selfish person? Am I selfish because I want a friend who wants to be my friend and who wants to hang out with me? I will admit I have a lot of flaws but I cannot convince myself this is one of them. So my next thought went straight to my insecurities. I have had a lot of people tell me I seem very confident and that kind of surprises me. I am a very insecure person, apparently I hide it well, but I do have my insecurities and my friendships are towards the top of that list. I hate that, but it's the truth. I know its dumb, but I worry if the friendships I am making will last. I worry that if I died today I could count the people on my hands that would cry and those would be family members and Daniel. I know friends who if they called me and said I need you now I wouldn't question where they were or how long it took me to get there or what I was doing I would go and I question how many people would do that for me. That sounds depressing, I know, but this is supposed to be a place where I share my dirt and my filth and in this case my insecurities. Deep down were all insecure about something, judge if you want, but this is mine.