I always looked forward to being engaged. I mean I pretty much reminded Daniel that every day for like 4 months. It always seemed exciting and fun and I mean everyone loves a good wedding. Right?! I never thought much about how different people treat you once it happens. So many people want to know about it. They ask everything from "what flowers do you want" to "whats your colors" and of course "can I see the ring"... That is fun at first and don't get me wrong there are days when I love the attention but weddings are so much more than just colors and flowers and rings. No one has really asked the harder questions like "how do you feel about living with a boy" or "how do you feel about joining another family" or "are you nervous about trying to be the perfect wife". I feel like I have been engaged long enough to be over the exciting smaller details and now I am more into the oh my gosh Daniel and I need to learn how to communicate better stage. I know marriage is tough and I know Daniel and I will make it through but I am so scared about the times where I will fail him as a wife. I am so nervous about the first time I disappoint him, but no one really ever asks about those things. I didn't think about how me being engaged would affect my friends who are seriously dating someone or my friends who aren't dating anyone. I can't imagine how that makes them feel and they can't imagine how I feel. Don't get me wrong being engaged to Daniel is incredible and I enjoy the simpler conversations. I enjoy wedding decorating, I swear. That doesn't replace my need for deep conversations though. I do have fears and I do have worries. I know everything will never be perfect, that's kind of why I worry. Part of me can't wait to be his wife but part of me doesn't want to grow up. It's weird and it's something you won't understand until you are in this place, I guess. I don't know I guess my two biggest fears are that I will look back on this year and regret not taking advantage of the support of girls I have around me and that I will fail Daniel as a wife. Discovery of the week: being engaged is not all easy Barbie and Ken moments. I know a lot of that was me just rambling on and I am sorry if you got nothing out of it. I think I just needed to admit these fears, issues and concerns out loud (aka on computer). Thx for listening.
I love rambling, its truly how you feel right at that moment. Never worry that your not getting through to someone or that someone doesn't understand because He does. Gods always listening and knows our deepest desires and fears. I love reading your blog because you are so open and honest. Don't afraid to be yourself on here.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are thinking about these larger issues speaks volumes about your readiness to get married. Unfortunately, I think most engaged couples spend WAY too much time worrying about the little issues of a wedding and not enough time contemplating how life will change once the "I do's" are said.
ReplyDeleteThat said, have fun with all the wedding planning!